Tag: family

A time of presence; dreams point the way

by 8hummingbirdway

Early one morning, about 5 weeks ago, I experienced a moment, an hour of deep presence and well-being. I spoke with Lei Lei during this time about this feeling and about two dreams. [Lei Lei is a being that I channel.]

We see that you are in a great state of …or a high state of presence this morning.

Thank you. Yes, I feel this. I feel that I reside in a place of holiness, almost …a place of understanding and of knowing what I need to call forth in myself in order to move forward in the best way possible in my life, in my days, in my actions, in my choices. And this is trust, deep trust in myself and all those around me and God and Life and Mother Earth and All-That-Is …as well as releasing all fear …trusting that my own presence and my response is landing in a place in which I am at ease and trust and well-being. And is that all? Ease, trust and well-being, compassion and kindness, awareness without fear, which is what the trust connotes.

We feel your energy, Annie, we feel your presence, your trust. We are happy that you are in this place at this time.

Is it possible that I can sustain this?

It is possible that eventually you can sustain this. We are unsure as to whether you can sustain it fully “now,” in this “time,” [and we put quotes around now and time, for we sense that you can achieve this way of being that you seek …and we do not align with the existence of time as you know it.] And so we are in support of you, moving forward in this way, with ease, trust, inner confidence, compassion, presence. We see that is within your reach to do so. And you will observe what brings you out of that space, what unsettles you, what seems to have power over you to change, to release your well-being, to reconnect with fear.

I would like to not walk that path of fear. I have walked it for so long.

We understand, and we see that you are in an elevated space at this time, and we support you in moving forward in this space and sustaining this ability. We do not doubt you. We simply leave room for a more full arrival in the future …if you are falling away at any time.

[I then shared with Lei Lei about a dream in which my son and my grandson had put themselves and the family at risk. They were avoiding the situation, would not admit it or talk about it. My daughter and I were afraid for our sons, and for the entire family.]

This a dream of fear and unsettled feelings – that which you are trying to leave behind. The dream brings you to the core of your concerns, which is your beloved ones. And this is a challenge – for you to trust, to know that they are ok, to know that all of you are ok, to trust your path regardless of anything that happens, regardless of all that might occur. So it is right to the point of where you sit at this moment, this business of trust and fear, worry for your beloved ones. And you must release them to their path, whether jail or death. These are the ultimate fears – imprisonment, harm, death, pain, suffering, loss of freedom, and also betrayal. These are the ultimate things you fear, it seems.

Thank you Lei Lei.

You are most welcome.

Is there anything else to fear?

Being found unworthy, incompetent, unable to fulfill your expectations, your responsibilities, being found faulty, being found less than you want to be. And you do not want this for your beloveds either – to be found faulty or to be afraid or to be betrayed or betraying the family in any way.

Yes. These are some of my fears that could unsettle me or change my course or cause me deep consternation, fear, and worry. My beloveds. And so I suppose the task is to release them to their paths with trust that this is the way for them. Even if it does not appear to be the way.

Yes. These are very difficult things to accomplish.

I see you are taking me to the core of those things that could unsettle me and bring me to fear.

This dream has done that.

[I then told Lei Lei about a prior dream of complex challenges …of systemic patterns and ego matters.]

This is not unrelated to the dream that you woke from today. It is about trust and fear and repercussions and falling short and intricacies of what is required for each individual in each situation. In both cases, there are others at play that one cannot control, although in this prior dream one can cover and fulfill their tasks for them. So, the same dynamics are at play. However, this morning’s dream is cutting much closer to the soul because they involve your beloved ones – your son and your grandson. And this is your weakness, your vulnerability. And these kinds of things …these subtleties …these are why we are not certain that you have fully arrived in the place that you hope to have arrived. However, you can see this place, and you are aware of it, and you can work towards it and overcome obstacles going forward now that you have the vantage point at this moment. And we are grateful that you have touched this and will be moving forward toward this in the ways that you need to.

Thank you, Lei Lei. I understand in this moment. I ask for help in going forward and sustaining this understanding and movement forward.

I thanked Lei Lei for their part in bringing me to where I sat that morning.

They respond: “However, more may be revealed to you as time unfolds.”

I take this to mean that even though I feel at the pinnacle of knowledge, and feel I have “arrived” where I want to be …there will be more to conquer within myself. There will always be more, I think.

2 or 3 days later, the sky started to fall in for me, as a result of a sequence of events.

At this time, 6 weeks later, I have passed through that time …which unsettled some of my most important relationships and showed me more fully who I am.

Am I back in the throne I hoped to occupy? In a way. I am grateful for my challenges, the teachings and experiences. I have navigated them the best I could – imperfectly, with humility for the most part. I have drawn lines that I needed to draw for myself, and I have learned from the experiences.

I am currently at peace with myself and with my loved ones.

I am ready for whatever else occurs, realizing that the challenges ahead may be even greater, and run deeper.

Life ahead is a mystery.

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Best Laid Plans

by 8hummingbirdway

Oh my gosh! Life is a whirlwind …that I am very much enjoying …but it doesn’t go at all as planned. I feel I am caught up in it’s swirling energies like a leaf in the wind.

I’ve got to stop saying I will do this or do that (posting channeled videos, posting channeled messsages, posting anything at all).

Things are constantly in flux and I don’t seem to be able to direct the flow.

A week ago I led my first full moon circle in several years. It went better than I imagined.

It was so important to me …and I got really nervous.

I manged to find the calm …and it flowed with ease. Old frieds and new.

3 days before that I spoke about my trip to Africa to a group of 15 retired people. It went great. [See posts in Jan/Feb ’24]

These things were on the calendar …I had made outlines …but suddenly I had to hone my talk, gather tools, get photos printed, practice my talk.

The week before was not on the calendar. It was about our cat Newman …while my husband was away. I ended up at emergency care all night with him in the midst of extra chores. It took days for both of us to recover.

A few weeks before that was my daughters wedding and houseguests …and recovery.

Preparatory cooking before that …after a sudden visit from an overseas sister.

And really for months I have been unable to control much …as if the flow of life has plans that I am not aware of.

OK …I may not have come to terms with the limits of my advancing age.

It’s forcing me to slow down.

I have to say that despite my failures and lack …I am so grateful to be walking forward into the unknown …with my husband beside me …with my children/grandchildren/stepchildren not too far away …to be a gardener and a dreamer and a healer …to feel the sun …to breathe the fragrance on the wind …and simply to trust what tomorrow holds.

Annie offers shamanic healing and channeled iguidance and healing from Lei Lei in person and remotely by phone or video conference. Contact Annie to book a session, host a workshop, for sliding scale rates or to discuss barter arrangements.

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Welcome news

by 8hummingbirdway

One thing new to share is that I have recieved guidance from Sri Pune that finding a way to renew connection and trust with my far away sister is a path of my soul.

This is welcome news.

And I’m afraid of the path – and that I won’t get it right.

Private sessions are offered in person and remotely by phone or video conference. Contact Annie to book a session, host a workshop, for sliding scale rates or to discuss barter arrangements.

My Daughter/My Sister

by 8hummingbirdway

I wrote recently about the fact that my sister gave birth to my oldest daughter. I believe this was a result of a choice I made that caused pain for both of them. See prior post.

My daughter’s path:

My oldest child was born to my sister, who had taken LSD multiple times with a group of friends at a young age, and at some point got “stuck” in an imbalance through her experience. At the age of 14 or 15, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Her partner, when she brecame pregnant, was an alcoholic who had served in Vietnam. Things were not easy in their home with a newborn child, and at the age of 3 months my daughter was brought to my mother’s house. My mom cared for her for 10 months while I trained for a career which would enable me to support a child.  One might think this was a simple happy ending, but all her life my daughter has carried the pain of abandonment that all adopted children carry. Trust has never come easy to her. For so many many years she felt less than others. She navigated an abusive marriage, which, thank God, she found the strength to leave when her sons were 8 +10. I carry this knowledge of my beloved daughter’s pain.

Today she is an amazing woman. She has healed and is still healing herself and her sons from abuse. She walks tall and is kind. My grandsons are wise and loving – in college and finding their way to full manhood. She has a job she loves and a partner she loves and is becoming a gardener like her mom (me) and also has a special feeling for animals like her biological mother did when she was younger.

She is a loving and supportive and wise and present daughter. I wish she was closer, but I can get to her in 3 hours. I give thanks for her daily.

My sister’s path:

My sister has not had an easy time of it. It was difficult for us (my parents and 4 siblings) to accept our loss of the gentle person we had known, her imbalance and delusions. She spent time in an institution early on, in which she suffered abuse of various kinds at the hands mostly of other patients, including rape. The medication she was given for mental illness made it difficult to think, function, or relate to others. She had a hard time navigating a job or keeping an apartment. Becoming pregnant did not add to her stability, but she did her best.

At the age of 22, my sister was a migrant worker in Florida. When she realized she was pregnant, she returned to the fold of her family. Her boyfriend followed her back North and they were supported to set up housekeeping in a nearby apartment. I lived 4 hours away, and I remember seeing her once during this time. She really did glow. When my sister went into labor almost 2 months prematurely, she was flown to a hospital. Her daughter was in an incubator for some time, without a lot of touch, as happens. My sister took a bus daily and pumped her breasts at the hospital in a city about an hour away to provide the benefit of natural immunities and nutrients carried only in breastmilk. I remember visiting the baby there. She was beautiful.

I don’t know what happened when she was released from the hospital. I was told that one day my sister’s boyfriend showed up at my mother’s door and told her that our sister had left and said “Here’s the baby.” My mom was not physically strong, but managed to care for the baby for close to a year.

I had no thoughts of parenthood, but my father was forceful – saying this child might be all we had of my sister. I acquiesced. Plans were made for me, the oldest, to become her guardian. About 7 months later the 2 of them showed back up again.

This is where my heart breaks. My sister had been pumping milk for all that time so that she could fill a bottle and once again step into motherhood. However, it was not a positive dynamic that they brought into my mother’s house. I had fully embraced the path ahead and “our” baby was now 10 months old. I was spending weekends with her at both my mom’s and my home.

Now my sister had returned and was setting up obstacles so the baby couldn’t get to my mom. She’d crawl over or around one, and another suitcase or box would be set up. Scarves were draped around her neck. I walked into this scenario unexpectedly on day of my sister’s return. My mom, paralyzed, was allowing this. I banished my sister and her boyfriend, taking “my” daughter home with me for a week while my mom had her locks changed. No conversations. No explanations. No attempt to navigate the change of course with compassion or grace. I just went into protective mom mode and took the action I perceived as correct. [Did I mention how much I loved and missed my sister? A story for another day.]

I think of this as the day I stole my sister’s child.

We didn’t see my sister again for years. This lovely child turned my boyfriend and I into parents; we got married and adopted her. We were a family. We had 2 more children a few years later. My sister did return to the area where our parents lived for a few years, and she and her biological (our) daughter got to know each other during family gatherings. Then she disappeared again. Nothing about any of this – presence or absence – was easy for either of them. 

My daughter never saw her biological father again. Our door was open to him and there was one aborted visit that broke her 4 year old heart. When she was a young adult, he called her off and on for a few years saying “Hi it’s your father.” She informed him one day that he was not her father, and maybe that’s when the calls began to include alcohol and anger. When she moved, he no longer had her number (cell phones). My daughter learned after trying to seek him out a couple years ago that he had died the prior year.

My sister now lives 2 times zones away, has a stable life and our youngest sister and her husband provide connection and family in the form of their children and grandchildren on a regular basis.

My gratitude is boundless.

So much pain all around. But a song arises, strangely from this telling. The words are …

From thee I receive, To thee I give, Together we share, And from this we live.

Because there is also so much love.

I thank my father for keeping my sister and my daughter in our lives.

I thank my youngest sister for providing so much for our challenged sister.

And as well as the knowledge of their pain, I carry the wonder of my sweet sister’s gift to me.

I will tell more about all of this – of us on our joined and separate journeys – at some point.

Listen to song mentioned above (hoping I posted it correctly). https://youtube.com/shorts/F1-eICA5hS0?feature=shared

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My Sister/My Daughter

by 8hummingbirdway

This is a long story that I will tell in pieces. 

I will start by telling about the time I went to see a psychic. I was around 32. The woman lived about 40 minutes away from me and was recommended to me by a friend. She had no knowledge of my life.

I came with a few questions, the first being “What happened to the souls of the 2 children I decided I wasn’t ready to give birth to?” [I had 2 abortions, which I regret today because of my experiences in parenting, my deep love for my children, my love for all children, because of what I have come to understand about the soul, and because of the challenges to myself and others that seem to have been created by that choice.]

I will never forget her answer to my question. “The one is your son and the other is your sister’s child.”

I had been told by a teacher of sorts that the souls of aborted children would circle around the mother and be stuck there for the rest of her life. The woman’s answer, however, brought me a great deal more than relief from that concern. At the time of this meeting I had two children – my very young son and my daughter, 6 or 7, who I had adopted when my sister was unable to care for her child. I told the psychic this, and she was deeply impacted, as was I. In that moment I felt relief, wonder and gratitude.

Over the years, I have also come to understand the grief that resulted from my earlier choices based in fear. I believe that I was meant to be their mom, and am SO grateful that they came again to me. My daughter found another pathway – and my sister must have agreed, at the soul level, to serve us in this way. I do believe that this is the truth of what occurred – and if I am right in my perception, my sister and my daughter have suffered substantially because of my choice.

I understand that I did my best.

I do not berate myself for choices made long ago.

But I do carry the knowledge of the pain I believe I caused.

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Dad

by 8hummingbirdway

I recently told my husband that my dad took me and my best friend to a couple of rock concerts in the early 70s. As well as the Rolling Stones, he took me to see Cream.

How generous of him! To sit and listen to that loud rock music with me!

This was not what other friends’ dads were doing.

When I was about 7 or 8, Mom petitioned for a weekly day of relative peace and quiet. Dad, who also worked all week in the city, took the ‘big’ kids out on Saturdays, mostly lunch and bowling or golfing. We held up other golfing groups, and I’m sure navigating us (all under 10) was a challenge, but I don’t recall him losing his patience.

When I was younger, I remember him giving me rides on his back and playing math games with me. He was fun, and I couldn’t wait for him to come home from work every day. I still love numbers.

I don’t know if I ever thanked Dad for the concerts.

I will be thanking him this morning at my altar, for all of it.

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