Tag: Dreams from the Soul

Billie Jean (not her name)

by 8hummingbirdway

I had a house cleaning business for 10 years, back in CT – over 25 years ago, after a 5 year stint at being a programmer/analyst. (Not my world.)

I started out cleaning on my own and then slowly hired others to work for me. I paid them well and gave them raises when they were fully trained. They came and went. I loved them all in various ways, except maybe Trudy (not her name) who didn’t clean well – always failed the house checks. No idea why I couldn’t bring myself to fire her. I generally only fired people who were horrible – or who stole from clients as Lana did. It was a bummer to fire her. I fired another woman who looked through clients’ drawers during training. And a man who didn’t work out due to attitude and ability/willingness.

I was good at cleaning, hiring, and training. Iris, Eleanor, Billie Jean, Lana and Leigh Ann were the best cleaners – as good as or better than me. I really enjoyed Iris and I think of her from time to time …wish we were still in touch. She was a bright light. She recommended her friend, M (I can never remember her name) – who was very distant, but I had a good feeling about her. I think she was wary of employers, or maybe white people – probably for good reason. M didn’t last long. She got pregnant and invited me to her baby shower. It felt awkward but felt I should go. I realize now that she probably hoped for a substantial gift. I wasn’t loaded, we didn’t own our home, pretty much lived hand to mouth, no savings. I should have had savings by the standards of others, but I never learned to focus on money. (My dad was well-to do, but not happy.) Anyway, she probably thought we were rich, as bosses tend to be (maybe). The baby shower was very awkward. Very proper, and staid – good manners for my benefit. I knew it would have been a lot more fun without my presence and I never did understand until today why I had been invited. (Sorry, M.)

Last night I dreamed of Billie Jean, and everyone else flowed in. An abundance of warm memories.

In the dream I visited her. I was in her kitchen. I was glad to see her. (I do think about her from time to time.) She offered me guidance – several bits of advice about how to manage life – I’m not sure why. I thanked her for her advice and caring.

Her daughter came into the kitchen, still a child. She said (or I knew somehow) that she had always looked up to and admired me, though I think I met her only once or twice – and we just said hi.

In life, I had never been to Billie Jean’s home. I was not opposed to friendships with the cleaners (Eleanor was a friend) but I had 2 young children who kept me busy. [For the last 5 years of the cleaning, I could afford to stay home with them for the most part.]

The story of Billie Jean is that she was low key, humble, and a great cleaner. I paid a few of the women a bit more and she was one of them. She ran the business for me when I was away – washed and dried the cleaning rags, opened/locked my house if I wasn’t there, dealt with any issues, called me if needed. I would pay her additionally during those times.

At one point my family went on a one-month road trip, and I left Billie Jean at the helm. She learned the combination to the safe that cleaners dropped the day’s payments into, and she made the deposits into my bank account. I will forever be grateful to her. I had a wonderful trip and no concerns on the home/business front.

Later on, I found money missing once. Then again. After the 2nd time, I called Billie Jean into a private room when she returned from her day’s work …and confronted her. I had racked my brain and there was no other explanation. She admitted taking the money. She cried, and said she was in a terrible financial situation, explained it to me. She was behind on several bills and didn’t know what to do.

I was able to help her. Happily, I sat on a committee in our small city that granted funds to individuals or families who had a one-time financial crisis. I advised her to go a few months without paying and then apply to this organization for help. And she did. And she got the help.

This the only time I used the committee to get help for someone I knew, and I’m glad I did. She deserved help, and in truth, not many people knew about the available funds.

When I decided to move to NY, I foolishly left my 16-year-old in charge of my business. (She refused to leave CT, and the laws there allow 16-year-olds to get legally emancipated.) Long story short, it didn’t work out.

Clients started falling away, and I asked Billie Jean if she would take ownership of all the equipment, the remaining clients, etc. We agreed that she would pay me $50/month for some amount of time, but after a year she stopped paying me.

I wasn’t angry. I was surviving. I was glad for any service she could provide the clients who had trusted me with their homes.

I wasn’t able to reach her and tell her that. I didn’t know her address. (My daughter had brought the equipment to her.) I felt she carried guilt about this. It bothered me.

More than 10 years later, I finally was able to message her on Facebook. I learned that she had a surprise late-in-life pregnancy and stopped or slowed cleaning houses, worked as a janitor somewhere. It would have been nice if she had communicated with me, but she was never big on words.

And I have to trust life. Perhaps I wouldn’t have responded well. I wasn’t thrilled initially.

It was nice to see her in the dream. I tried today to check in but wasn’t able to send another message to her. I did send prayers of wellbeing and love and hope.

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A Dream of Learning to Expand into Love

by 8hummingbirdway

I recently had a lovely dream about the steps and lessons along the way of life.

There were lessons at various stations/locations, teachings about how to live, how to communicate, about negotiation, kindness, sexuality, and other aspects of the way we navigate our lives.

There were other individuals along this trail, and some stations were difficult to reach, to navigate, and/or to understand.

One was in an auditorium or theater – with rows of seats – and had something to do with understanding and acceptance of various orientations and ways …of self and others.

One was in a beautiful natural setting that was difficult to find …and even to see or perceive.

I remember talking with another person about the challenges of reaching these locations …as we sat on the auditorium chairs …not realizing that we were IN a teaching place at the time.

The journey could be walking or riding or simply being somewhere.

It involved being open-minded and seeing/understanding.

One could go to a teaching station and completely miss the lesson.

It was a beautiful dream and I felt honored by the message and excited about the levels of understanding and connection that I am learning to choose …through experience, and through the beautiful lessons.

As I thought about the dream, I realized that there has been a shift in my sexual orientation – more focus on alignment with my husband than on our individual pleasure.

Then my mind went to the day before when my husband and I discussed the placement of a used rug he’d bought. I had brought it into the living room and placed where I thought it should obviously go. He came into the room a bit later and joined me on the couch …and within a few minutes he said he had envisioned the rug in a different orientation. I consciously resisted the usual path of overriding his ridiculous idea. This would have been my choice in the past – not saying it was ridiculous but pushing my vision as the right one. Normally he would give way to this tactic.

On this day, however, we discussed it for a while and then decided to try it the way he preferred. We worked on getting it just right, moving the coffee table and getting it just as he wanted it.

This is way out of character for me – or for a prior version of me.

Eventually he decided that it worked better the original way, but I didn’t control the situation …or control him as I would have tried to do in the past. (He is historically more flexible than I regarding that sort of thing.)

He also has been shifting his energy toward me. I am experiencing much more support and appreciation from him, and much less of a critical focus on my cooking and other aspects of our life together.

We are liking each other more and learning harmoniousness!

I suppose life IS a classroom, kind of like in my dream …if one pays attention and is open-minded.


I want to say, in closing, that I had been feeling that my recent focus on not judging others was a final step in becoming a person I feel good about being.

Now I realize there is no end!

There are SO many ways of living our lives that could expand and improve – kindness, generosity, open-mindedness, supportiveness, holding one’s tongue, and on and on.

I feel excited about this, and curious about what’s ahead.

I also want to remind the reader that I have come to believe that dreams are messages from one’s soul.

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