Tag: Spiritual Path

Losing my Balance

by 8hummingbirdway

I have been working so hard on sustaining balance, on not even thinking negatively about others, on not being judgemental. For what seems like a very long time, I have been engaged in healing my past, meditating daily, walking, practicing Qigong, parcticing humility, serving others, focusing on being kind, focusing on simple tasks.

And it has improved my life. I feel balanced and happy and more confident …most of the time. I take pride in the new me. I am deeply grateful.

And the world has opened up in new ways.

However …it seems that life is still offering up regular challenges …so I can know from time to time that I haven’t truly arrived anywhere.

This morning, I was unable to navigate a family member’s hostility toward me regarding a trivial matter.

I was told that I made a mistake. I didn’t think I had, but then I realized that I was at fault, and I apologized. There was discussion of details and the person’s tone became hostile and they swore.

I had sustained humility until that point, but then I was triggered.

I raized my voice, upset.

I was accused of yelling.

And then the conversation went downhill on both sides for a few minutes until I became quiet. I was able to stop responding, which took a great deal of effort and restraint.

We disconnected.

I was still upset with the other person, but more upset with myself.

How could I land here after so much work …and so much commitment?

My meditation was a joke. I could not stay present.

Being imperfect is just not enjoyable.

And yes, I realize the ridiculousness of that sentence. I’m going to be sustaining imperfection for life.

How do I navigate it?

Simple tasks help.

There is still time to regain my sense of self.

Thank you LIFE (or ego) for letting me know – again – how much work there is to do.

I don’t know that I will ever arrive, but I will continue to walk the path.

I suppose these triggering events help me to sustain my work toward overall balance and wellbeing.

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Message about “landing in my heart more fully”

by 8hummingbirdway

[In this post I am channeling Lei Lei, the being who presents in my sessions.]

10/13/24

Sometimes you seem to feel not enough. As if you should be perfect. As if it’s not ok to be imperfect, to be confused or to go down a road of disharmony or uncertainty or …you’re simply a human.

You are simply a mortal being who tries her best, who offers up herself in humility and fails sometimes to sustain humility or understanding. These are the things that are your imperfections. These are the things that make you feel that you are less. These are the things that you have a hard time accepting about yourself …and this is what you [can] plant – these seeds of imperfection, these seeds of confusion and doubt or misgivings about ..your responses, your reactions. [I’m to plant for transformation.] You’ve come so far. Allow yourself these small mistakes, these small  …you will never be perfect, you are a human. It is not required that you be perfect. You do not have to be a god or an angel or a goddess while you are here on this Earth dealing with all of these disharmonies and challenges around you – and the frequencies [energies] around you – and just everything [on this plane of existence]!

It’s ok. Being who you are is ok.

[So – is there no great thing that I am missing?]

There’s nothing that you are missing. That which you are pulling at is not something that you can have at this time. It’s not something that you can force. Allow yourself to be a mere fallible human.

[I will do my best to proceed as you say. Thank you for your help here in guiding me in my confusion and delusion or desires to be more than I am.]

It is not delusion, Annie. 

All the seeds that you plant bring great fruit. 

All the love that you gather up and allow to float through you bear great fruit.

Your ideas of what “great” is are many. They may or may not flow in any particular direction that comes to mind for you. Allowing is the way. Just being yourself. See what happens!

Let life unfold around you …and respond to it in the way that seems best. This is the teaching for now.

It is difficult to be human and to  …just allow …to not push …to allow and flow. This is the teaching for you that you would do well to consider and allow. This will help you to land in your heart more fully.

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More about my sacred pipe

by 8hummingbirdway

[Back in early February, I started to write this post. It links back to a prior post about the Native American leg of my spiritual journey in this life I’m living. I have thought often about finishing the story, but it was hard to write. I did not navigate events in the way I would have liked to.

If you want to know more about my religious background and my starting place, you can also read about my early experience with Christianity.]

My spiritual search began in my late 20s. I was drawn to Earth-based spirituality, and I knew enough about the practices of those who inhabited this land before us that they honored Earth, Nature, the cycles of the seasons and of the sun and moon, as well as animal and plant spirits. I researched and studied about various tribes for a couple of years.

It turned out that my destination was not to align fully with Native American spirituality, as you will see. However it gifted me with a sacred pipe ceremony. I learned (from the book Return of the Bird Tribes by Ken Carey) this ceremony and a beautiful story of it’s origin in my 30s brought me a way to connect with my deepest self, and to make decisions with an awareness of “All that is.”

This is the part of the story I didn’t share earlier, about how I moved on in my 30s from the Native American chapter of my search …

I shared this sacred practice of the pipe ceremony with friends and family. It was a beautiful way to navigate life and to approach decision-making and sometimes even to speak difficult words or resolve disharmony. Read more about my experience with the pipe and the pipe ceremony here.

Eventually I extended myself to share the pipe ceremony with more people. I arranged with a friend, Steve, who offered a space for classes and small concerts – to offer the pipe story and ceremony there. In the small empty carpeted room I constructed a circle with branches and marked the 4 directions, each person entering at the East, the place of beginnings. We all sat on the floor and I read the story of White Buffalo Calf Woman bringing the pipe to the Soiux …then we smoked the pipe together as the ceremony instructs.

It was lovely. I met a neighbor who I hadn’t known and about 8 or 10 other people showed up. Afterward we talked and then people dispersed.

I had a jar for donations and I raised about $12 that went toward paying my babysitter that evening.

I decided to do it again and Steve advertised in the Hartford newspaper that I would be sharing the pipe ceremony for donations. And the trouble began. A non-native was making money from the sacred tribal traditions.

I knew that people had co-opted native practices, such as sweat lodges and vision quests – and capitalized upon them. I didn’t perceive myself in that light, but I can see from where I now stand that there is a fine line …and who knows where I was going with this?

The descendants of the people my ancestors and their leaders betrayed saw yet another betrayal. People started calling me in concern and anger. Some people were openhearted and listened to my explanation of how I came to share the pipe with others. The pipe-carrier of the Mohegan Nation and I had a very long talk and he was fine with what I was doing.

Some did not want to know what I had to say. Suddenly I was facing anger and threats against my family and my home.

I managed to turn the advertised sharing of the pipe ceremony into a meeting with some tribal leaders in the Hartford area. I was young and did not navigate this meeting well. I was afraid and did not speak when I could have.

Later I realized that I should have led the meeting, explaining my journey to the pipe (as I had with the pipe-carrier). But the threats had frightened me. I sat and waited, disempowered by my fear. I was told that a chief was here. I was made to understand that he was wasting his time. Later I understood what happened, and I have forgiven myself for my lack.

I did not attempt to share the pipe again with others not close to me, although my relationship with the pipe continued for many years after I left Connecticut.

I was looking for a spiritual home, but this did not show up as being a path for me. I did not find a person who would share with me, or invite me to share in Native American spiritual gatherings or experiences. I assumed they were closed to outsiders because of my experience, but I don’t know that it was true. With all that occurred on this continent I would not blame them if it was true. Or maybe I was simply too scared to ask.

I cannot recall who told me that I should turn to my own heritage, but that’s what I did.

Later, a teacher of sacred ways of some earth-based European traditions said to me that we were born on this soil and we live our lives on this soil and some of the voices and elements that speak to us carry Native ways. This helped me to make peace with myself and what had happened with attempting to share my pipe.

I didn’t understand until writing this post, how deeply this experience aligns with and informs my current orientation about tribal ways, the ancient ways that have gifted me with a way to heal and to help others. I am grateful now for my experience with the Mohegan community in CT. And I acknowledge this experience as a part of my path and understanding of the healing.

Since I am living on this continent, I expect that my studies on tribal experience and ways will focus to some degree on the tribes of this land, as well as on the African connections I now have.

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Truth, Compassion, and Especially Forbearance

by 8hummingbirdway

About 5 years ago, when I was still working, there was a woman on my floor who I met in the lunchroom a couple of times. She was soft spoken and friendly and her name was Yu. She was born in China. Her department moved up a couple of flights and I didn’t see her again until one day she was out in the courtyard at lunch practicing graceful exercises under a tall tree. A week or two later, I ran into her and asked her about it and she told me she was practicing Falun Gong, a type of Qigong. She invited me to join her anytime and she would teach me the exercises. 

And so my relationship with Falun Gong, also called Falun Dafa, began. I liked the graceful exercises. There was an aspect of dance to them. There were 5 of them. 1, 3 + 4 were fairly easy to learn. Number 2 was more challenging. It involved holding one’s arms up in a circle position (like wheel) for a long time in 4 different positions. It lasted 30 minutes and was grueling for a while, never easy. However, I was engaged by the flow and balance and grace of the exercises, and I mastered #2. Meanwhile, I was introduced to #5 which was called “Strengthening Divine Power.”  Each exercise has a name, an intention, and music that goes with them. Exercise # 2 was nothing compared to #5 where one is to sit in full lotus position for a full hour. I started with half lotus for 30 minutes and was able to push it to 40 or 45 minutes on occasion.  It was very uncomfortable – and that is part of the reason for it – to develop forbearance.

I practiced the exercises at home when we couldn’t meet. I found them compelling.

After several months of doing the exercises at home and at lunch breaks, I was invited to join a group that Yu was part of. She seemed to be the leader. They met in the evening and read from a book called Zhuan Falun, meaning Revolving the Law Wheel. This book contained the philosophy and beliefs behind the exercises. I had no idea about the book or the beliefs when I first learned and practiced the exercises. There was much in the book that I easily aligned with. There were also things that seemed fantastical, but I have learned not to judge prematurely. I do not pretend to know everything. I hold the information within me and I allow it to sit there. The most impactful thing to me was the 3 main tenets: Truth, Compassion, and Forbearance. Truth and compassion were familiar to me. I am devoted to truth, at least to my truth and I often find that the “truth of the matter” is key to me in navigating my life. Compassion is also an old friend. I do my best to sustain compassion. I sometimes fail, but it is a path I respect, admire, and aspire to navigate.

Forbearance, however, was a new concept to me. It translates into simply “putting up” with what I encounter. I had never been that kind of person. I fought with my big opinioin against unfairness and faulty judgment (especially in others), thinking I had all the answers. The book gave many examples of the proper way to conduct oneself and I found it wise. I may not have understood all of it, but I came to understand that I was lacking, not the book. It was my introduction to a deep humility that I find extremely valuable.

The discussions after reading the sections were helpful, and I slowly made changes that were difficult, yet so valuable to my personal development and my path in this life.

The following Spring I met with some members of the group outside weekly and we did the exercises together (as much as I was able). Sometimes we would read afterward. I was the only non-Chinese person, and was treated with kindness, respect, and increasing warmth.

In June of that year I was in a bicycle accident that injured my trachea, making one of the exercises unwise to do for a couple of years, and I stopped my pursuit of Falun Dafa altogether. I feel I have recovered, but I haven’t returned to the practice. It’s a big time commitment to do the exercises daily and to pursue the teachings – and I’m not ready to make that commitment at this time in isolation, or commit to meeting with the group.

Perhaps the day will come again. I feel the pull as I write these words. Until then, I remain grateful for the experience and for having developed forbearance – and the humility that it engenders within me.

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