Tag: honesty

The Price

by 8hummingbirdway

I stated in a recent post that a terrible price was paid – for my memories of sexual abuse which resulted in significant personal healing for me. It has been difficult to write since then. This topic has been in my awareness as I wrote prior posts, especially as I wrote about family members and was gently chided by a friend who read some of my posts about my family history – he wondered whether I was writing in integrity – because of my disclosure of disclose some of what I wrote about family. This wondering in turn caused me to write a series of posts about dirty little secrets. And I have written more on that topic, which I have yet to post. So many threads of thoughts drift off. Now this one of family has returned, unexpected. I did not sit down to write this aspect about my sexual abuse in the recent post about not having a tribe, but it popped up anyway. It wants to be told.

This terrible price was paid by me and by my siblings, my children, my nephews, my father’s sister, and especially by my father.

I accused him of sexually abusing me in my early childhood.

The strange thing is that in neither of my memories, did I see the abuser’s face.

I simply “knew” it was my father.

Our home was not peaceful. Disharmony reigned between our parents as they navigated a growing family (5 children) and various personal and marital issues. Sometimes they lashed out at us, but mostly it was the two of them. Sometimes it was scary. Mom throwing things. Dad walking out the door. My response to this has shifted over the years.

I was not aware that I myself carried the hostility I was raised with until I lost two close friends in my 30s and 40s. The first tried to talk to me about it. The second told another when she abandoned our friendship that she “didn’t want to do battle with Annie.”

When my first child was young, I began to choose forbearance over disharmony, but it has been a long journey.

Although I had mitigated some of the pattern I grew up with, I could still be very vehement and angry at times. Even now, I have to check myself (especially when I feel something critical is at stake). I am grateful to say that I am now in control of my responses. It has truly taken a lifetime, as well as a great deal of patience and love and honesty from my closest family members.

It didn’t happen all at once. There were steps along the way.

Having my two younger children, close in age, enter their teenage years and witnessing their arguments brought me to a place where I started to actually distance myself from disharmony in any form. Somehow it brought me right back to the fear connected to my parents’ fights.

Only in recent years have I have learned to remove myself from arguments and keep my thoughts to myself at even the threat of disharmony. I’m sure there are moments when this is not ideal, but overall I would say it’s a positive development. (I do stand my ground when necessary.)

My second husband, strong, honest and devoted, has brought me much of this last distance. And I have to say that my son shared insights with me on our recent trip that shifted my awareness even more. I have always been hardest on the men I love most.

Now in my 60’s, I can no longer blame Mom.

I’m still noticing my responses (inner and outer), and evolving into the person I want to be. Most recently, a channeled message from Sri Pune let me know that understanding my son and my husband would change me – and make me a better shamanic practitioner.

I am making headway.

I have written a lot here, and there is a lot more to say about all that happened. I see that I will have to continue another day. Soon.

I have noticed that it’s best for me to intersperse more neutral topics with personal revelation in my posts. It took me 5 days after the last one to write this one. I wasn’t sure I could do it.

But here I am, and it’s important that I continue to shed light on that which I deeply regret.

There is THE TRUTH, not lying – and then there is the truth of full disclosure – especially since I have written some things about others. (And yes, I realize that there is a difference in who does the telling. I also realize that telling one’s own story is not the same as telling the stories you know about others. And I may have more light to shed on that.)

I know that many of you hold understanding and compassion in your hearts, and for this I am grateful.

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Navigating Life with the Lack of a Tribe

by 8hummingbirdway

I believe that my yearning for being born in another time, and for simpler ways, closer to the land is the result of being born into this physical reality without the proper guidance of those who might teach me about who I am, how to conduct myself, and how to live and provide for myself. We enter this word in need of guidance about who we are, how to navigate challenges, how to honor ourselves and to make sense of our lives.

Once a group of people leaves the tribal paradigm, we generally no longer grow our own food or build our own homes. We become dependent on an external version of property, propriety and status. We are not taught how to live in balance, how to honor ourselves and others, or how to live and eat in harmony with the seasons. We are not taught about who we are, who our people are, who our ancestors are, where they came from, or what they believed. Most of us do not have a place on the earth, do not have a clear sense of responsibility to our community, to our elders, or to our children.

Parents in our current paradigm have little time for their children. I was lucky to have been raised by those who did their best for me, my parents – though looking back I can see that they too, though they did their best, were lost.

Today, many people, possibly most people in our culture, are on a treadmill of providing funds for food that may not nourish their families, funds so we can dress in ways and have things that will allow us to “fit in” or to impress others, providing wealth rather than stability and self-understanding to their children. Children are raised predominantly in some sort of childcare arrangement and they are taught in schools. The public school lessons are mostly void of values, understanding of self and others, or guidance/training that helps one sort out how to move confidently into adulthood in a way that satisfies or provides for the self, and contributes to the greater good.

When I reached adulthood, I floundered. Jobs, colleges, and relationships with others were somewhat random; they came and went. I did not know how to evaluate myself, my choices or have clear goals. Looking back, I see that the events around me formed my life, not any internalized wisdom, sense of self, sense of place, or understanding of the world around me.

I did not know who I was.

I was generally a caring person, but had little sense of personal boundaries or values. I became a parent because my sister wasn’t able to care for her child and I was the oldest. I married to protect the status of my daughter from her alcoholic biological father and his brother, an attorney.

Parenting was the start of true learning, but I still had a long way to go.

I soon recognized that I carried negative patterns of blame and punishment from my childhood that I could not align with. I had no firm and positive understanding of how to be a parent, nor did I have the biological benefit of instinct kicking in. I turned to books to learn, and I started to gain better parenting skills through reading and experience.

Within a couple of years I strayed from my marriage …when the urge struck, without much thought or understanding about this choice. Within a year or two, I managed to recognize the error (it hurt my heart), and receded back into the marriage that I had established without recognizing that deception and lying were not positive ways to conduct myself.

I never told my husband, but I did tell my children after leaving the marriage. Was that positive? I still don’t know.

There was a fair amount of deception and lying in my childhood, both within my family and elsewhere.

We went on this way, my husband earning a living in a way that did not align with what was legal at the time. We had 2 more children, I worked in the corporate world that I did not respect. My children were in childcare from a very young age.

Shortly after my youngest child was born, I had 2 memories of being sexually abused as a child. I went to a therapist and learned that much of my behavior (controlling behavior, sexual discomfort and bad personal boundaries) were classic patterns of people with this type of experience in childhood.

This memory is what changed my life – for the better, but not without a terrible price.

I realized so much about myself. I worked for years to heal my deep wounds, to correct my ways. One of the first things I realized is that I had been a liar. I stopped in my tracks …or tried to. It was not easy. I had to change a lot of patterns, such as gossip, social white lies, untruths for convenience. Over the years I have gained strength. Sometimes I divert answers so as not to hurt …or to simply keep my thoughts + opinions to myself.

Today I do not lie or practice deception.

My life took a turn. I had left the corporate world and started a house cleaning business that was simple and honest and I provided work for others and paid them well. As the business grew, I was able to homeschool all 3 of my children for two to 4 years, which was a blessing for all of us.

I continued my spiritual search, now standing on more solid ground, understanding more about myself, having established truth, and the beginnings of true personal growth and strength.

The terrible price? Before I fully aligned with truth, I told one last careless untruth, unbeknownst to myself at the time.

I will write more about this soon.

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Deception

by 8hummingbirdway

Keeping Secrets makes us comfortable with deception.

It is a very short step from keeping secrets about abuse, mental illness or addiction … to lying.  

Often, others are afraid of association with someone who has these experiences, which supports keeping one’s silence. Or one feels judgement by others.

I was in my early 30’s before I realized that I could make a different choice. I was a liar. I lied in my childhood, my adolescence, and my early adulthood. When I had a memory of sexual abuse at the age of 34, a counselor advised me to believe myself and to speak my truth, not be silenced. There is a great deal more to this story, and probably mine are the stories I should be telling. For now I will say that one thing I learned pretty quickly is that lying existed in my family and I had picked up that pattern.

Most of us tend to follow the ways that have been shown to us in childhood.

The truth became a big deal to me. Once I embraced truth, I saw my children telling the truth more. I chose my friends by their honesty.

Without truth, one has no way to navigate one’s situation.

Without the truth, a person is missing pieces of the puzzle, and it is very difficult to be successful in one’s goals, or even to discern what those goals might be.

I chose to leave my first marriage because the truth had little meaning to my husband at the time, and eventually I developed the clarity and courage to choose a separate path.

Private sessions are offered in person and remotely by phone or video conference. Contact Annie to book a session, host a workshop, for sliding scale rates or to discuss barter arrangements.

Welcome news

by 8hummingbirdway

One thing new to share is that I have recieved guidance from Sri Pune that finding a way to renew connection and trust with my far away sister is a path of my soul.

This is welcome news.

And I’m afraid of the path – and that I won’t get it right.

Private sessions are offered in person and remotely by phone or video conference. Contact Annie to book a session, host a workshop, for sliding scale rates or to discuss barter arrangements.