Tag: Truth

The Way of a Warrior

by 8hummingbirdway

My understanding of walking the path of Warrior comes from many years of life and observation. I first became conscious of the role of Warrior during my shamanic training, and I began to notice people in my life who show me the Warrior aspect.

They are few. Some see the Warrior path, and this is a first step.

I don’t know that my definition of Warrior aligns with the definition of others.

A warrior is a person of integrity and self-knowledge and wisdom.

A warrior has no need of deception or pretense.

A warrior might experience fear.

Facing truth is critical.

Courage is sometimes required when a warrior sees truth.

S/he might chose action.

S/he might or might not choose confrontation or action. Sometimes silence and forbearance is the way forward.

A warrior adapts to changing conditions (including disappointment and hardship and betrayal) without sacrificing integrity.

A Warrior is often a person of few words.

A warrior honors his/her body and spirit.

A warrior honors all others, including human, animal, plant, earth and other elements (air, fire, water).

A warrior recognizes his/her alignment and connection with a higher power.

A warrior develops practices over time as a result of who s/he discovers herself to be.

A warrior is clear about his/her intentions.

Sometimes uncertainty exists, and a situation must show itself over time.

Sometimes the action to take is immediately known and obvious.

When the way forward shows itself, a warrior does not back down from it.

Some misunderstand the Warrior, thinking that his/her inner strength means s/he must forego tenderness. This is not accurate.

The Warrior strives to be true to him/herself in all moments.

It’s possible to fail at times on this path …and still to sustain the choice to walk the path of Warrior.

We are all human, and the path of the Warrior is a practice.

Some qualities and results of the Warrior’s path are clarity, focus, determination, courage, constancy, respect, and a a love of life itself.

Exploring the Warrior side of yourself is one way to expand your reality.

If this intrigues you, you may want to start to practice mindfulness.

You may want to consider what it means to you to meet life’s challenges with a spirit that does not waver.

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The Price

by 8hummingbirdway

I stated in a recent post that a terrible price was paid – for my memories of sexual abuse which resulted in significant personal healing for me. It has been difficult to write since then. This topic has been in my awareness as I wrote prior posts, especially as I wrote about family members and was gently chided by a friend who read some of my posts about my family history – he wondered whether I was writing in integrity – because of my disclosure of disclose some of what I wrote about family. This wondering in turn caused me to write a series of posts about dirty little secrets. And I have written more on that topic, which I have yet to post. So many threads of thoughts drift off. Now this one of family has returned, unexpected. I did not sit down to write this aspect about my sexual abuse in the recent post about not having a tribe, but it popped up anyway. It wants to be told.

This terrible price was paid by me and by my siblings, my children, my nephews, my father’s sister, and especially by my father.

I accused him of sexually abusing me in my early childhood.

The strange thing is that in neither of my memories, did I see the abuser’s face.

I simply “knew” it was my father.

Our home was not peaceful. Disharmony reigned between our parents as they navigated a growing family (5 children) and various personal and marital issues. Sometimes they lashed out at us, but mostly it was the two of them. Sometimes it was scary. Mom throwing things. Dad walking out the door. My response to this has shifted over the years.

I was not aware that I myself carried the hostility I was raised with until I lost two close friends in my 30s and 40s. The first tried to talk to me about it. The second told another when she abandoned our friendship that she “didn’t want to do battle with Annie.”

When my first child was young, I began to choose forbearance over disharmony, but it has been a long journey.

Although I had mitigated some of the pattern I grew up with, I could still be very vehement and angry at times. Even now, I have to check myself (especially when I feel something critical is at stake). I am grateful to say that I am now in control of my responses. It has truly taken a lifetime, as well as a great deal of patience and love and honesty from my closest family members.

It didn’t happen all at once. There were steps along the way.

Having my two younger children, close in age, enter their teenage years and witnessing their arguments brought me to a place where I started to actually distance myself from disharmony in any form. Somehow it brought me right back to the fear connected to my parents’ fights.

Only in recent years have I have learned to remove myself from arguments and keep my thoughts to myself at even the threat of disharmony. I’m sure there are moments when this is not ideal, but overall I would say it’s a positive development. (I do stand my ground when necessary.)

My second husband, strong, honest and devoted, has brought me much of this last distance. And I have to say that my son shared insights with me on our recent trip that shifted my awareness even more. I have always been hardest on the men I love most.

Now in my 60’s, I can no longer blame Mom.

I’m still noticing my responses (inner and outer), and evolving into the person I want to be. Most recently, a channeled message from Sri Pune let me know that understanding my son and my husband would change me – and make me a better shamanic practitioner.

I am making headway.

I have written a lot here, and there is a lot more to say about all that happened. I see that I will have to continue another day. Soon.

I have noticed that it’s best for me to intersperse more neutral topics with personal revelation in my posts. It took me 5 days after the last one to write this one. I wasn’t sure I could do it.

But here I am, and it’s important that I continue to shed light on that which I deeply regret.

There is THE TRUTH, not lying – and then there is the truth of full disclosure – especially since I have written some things about others. (And yes, I realize that there is a difference in who does the telling. I also realize that telling one’s own story is not the same as telling the stories you know about others. And I may have more light to shed on that.)

I know that many of you hold understanding and compassion in your hearts, and for this I am grateful.

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Deception

by 8hummingbirdway

Keeping Secrets makes us comfortable with deception.

It is a very short step from keeping secrets about abuse, mental illness or addiction … to lying.  

Often, others are afraid of association with someone who has these experiences, which supports keeping one’s silence. Or one feels judgement by others.

I was in my early 30’s before I realized that I could make a different choice. I was a liar. I lied in my childhood, my adolescence, and my early adulthood. When I had a memory of sexual abuse at the age of 34, a counselor advised me to believe myself and to speak my truth, not be silenced. There is a great deal more to this story, and probably mine are the stories I should be telling. For now I will say that one thing I learned pretty quickly is that lying existed in my family and I had picked up that pattern.

Most of us tend to follow the ways that have been shown to us in childhood.

The truth became a big deal to me. Once I embraced truth, I saw my children telling the truth more. I chose my friends by their honesty.

Without truth, one has no way to navigate one’s situation.

Without the truth, a person is missing pieces of the puzzle, and it is very difficult to be successful in one’s goals, or even to discern what those goals might be.

I chose to leave my first marriage because the truth had little meaning to my husband at the time, and eventually I developed the clarity and courage to choose a separate path.

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Truth, Compassion, and Especially Forbearance

by 8hummingbirdway

About 5 years ago, when I was still working, there was a woman on my floor who I met in the lunchroom a couple of times. She was soft spoken and friendly and her name was Yu. She was born in China. Her department moved up a couple of flights and I didn’t see her again until one day she was out in the courtyard at lunch practicing graceful exercises under a tall tree. A week or two later, I ran into her and asked her about it and she told me she was practicing Falun Gong, a type of Qigong. She invited me to join her anytime and she would teach me the exercises. 

And so my relationship with Falun Gong, also called Falun Dafa, began. I liked the graceful exercises. There was an aspect of dance to them. There were 5 of them. 1, 3 + 4 were fairly easy to learn. Number 2 was more challenging. It involved holding one’s arms up in a circle position (like wheel) for a long time in 4 different positions. It lasted 30 minutes and was grueling for a while, never easy. However, I was engaged by the flow and balance and grace of the exercises, and I mastered #2. Meanwhile, I was introduced to #5 which was called “Strengthening Divine Power.”  Each exercise has a name, an intention, and music that goes with them. Exercise # 2 was nothing compared to #5 where one is to sit in full lotus position for a full hour. I started with half lotus for 30 minutes and was able to push it to 40 or 45 minutes on occasion.  It was very uncomfortable – and that is part of the reason for it – to develop forbearance.

I practiced the exercises at home when we couldn’t meet. I found them compelling.

After several months of doing the exercises at home and at lunch breaks, I was invited to join a group that Yu was part of. She seemed to be the leader. They met in the evening and read from a book called Zhuan Falun, meaning Revolving the Law Wheel. This book contained the philosophy and beliefs behind the exercises. I had no idea about the book or the beliefs when I first learned and practiced the exercises. There was much in the book that I easily aligned with. There were also things that seemed fantastical, but I have learned not to judge prematurely. I do not pretend to know everything. I hold the information within me and I allow it to sit there. The most impactful thing to me was the 3 main tenets: Truth, Compassion, and Forbearance. Truth and compassion were familiar to me. I am devoted to truth, at least to my truth and I often find that the “truth of the matter” is key to me in navigating my life. Compassion is also an old friend. I do my best to sustain compassion. I sometimes fail, but it is a path I respect, admire, and aspire to navigate.

Forbearance, however, was a new concept to me. It translates into simply “putting up” with what I encounter. I had never been that kind of person. I fought with my big opinioin against unfairness and faulty judgment (especially in others), thinking I had all the answers. The book gave many examples of the proper way to conduct oneself and I found it wise. I may not have understood all of it, but I came to understand that I was lacking, not the book. It was my introduction to a deep humility that I find extremely valuable.

The discussions after reading the sections were helpful, and I slowly made changes that were difficult, yet so valuable to my personal development and my path in this life.

The following Spring I met with some members of the group outside weekly and we did the exercises together (as much as I was able). Sometimes we would read afterward. I was the only non-Chinese person, and was treated with kindness, respect, and increasing warmth.

In June of that year I was in a bicycle accident that injured my trachea, making one of the exercises unwise to do for a couple of years, and I stopped my pursuit of Falun Dafa altogether. I feel I have recovered, but I haven’t returned to the practice. It’s a big time commitment to do the exercises daily and to pursue the teachings – and I’m not ready to make that commitment at this time in isolation, or commit to meeting with the group.

Perhaps the day will come again. I feel the pull as I write these words. Until then, I remain grateful for the experience and for having developed forbearance – and the humility that it engenders within me.

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