I have been working so hard on sustaining balance, on not even thinking negatively about others, on not being judgemental. For what seems like a very long time, I have been engaged in healing my past, meditating daily, walking, practicing Qigong, parcticing humility, serving others, focusing on being kind, focusing on simple tasks.
And it has improved my life. I feel balanced and happy and more confident …most of the time. I take pride in the new me. I am deeply grateful.
And the world has opened up in new ways.
However …it seems that life is still offering up regular challenges …so I can know from time to time that I haven’t truly arrived anywhere.
This morning, I was unable to navigate a family member’s hostility toward me regarding a trivial matter.
I was told that I made a mistake. I didn’t think I had, but then I realized that I was at fault, and I apologized. There was discussion of details and the person’s tone became hostile and they swore.
I had sustained humility until that point, but then I was triggered.
I raized my voice, upset.
I was accused of yelling.
And then the conversation went downhill on both sides for a few minutes until I became quiet. I was able to stop responding, which took a great deal of effort and restraint.
We disconnected.
I was still upset with the other person, but more upset with myself.
How could I land here after so much work …and so much commitment?
My meditation was a joke. I could not stay present.
Being imperfect is just not enjoyable.
And yes, I realize the ridiculousness of that sentence. I’m going to be sustaining imperfection for life.
How do I navigate it?
Simple tasks help.
There is still time to regain my sense of self.
Thank you LIFE (or ego) for letting me know – again – how much work there is to do.
I don’t know that I will ever arrive, but I will continue to walk the path.
I suppose these triggering events help me to sustain my work toward overall balance and wellbeing.
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