Tag: spiritual connection

Losing my Balance

by 8hummingbirdway

I have been working so hard on sustaining balance, on not even thinking negatively about others, on not being judgemental. For what seems like a very long time, I have been engaged in healing my past, meditating daily, walking, practicing Qigong, parcticing humility, serving others, focusing on being kind, focusing on simple tasks.

And it has improved my life. I feel balanced and happy and more confident …most of the time. I take pride in the new me. I am deeply grateful.

And the world has opened up in new ways.

However …it seems that life is still offering up regular challenges …so I can know from time to time that I haven’t truly arrived anywhere.

This morning, I was unable to navigate a family member’s hostility toward me regarding a trivial matter.

I was told that I made a mistake. I didn’t think I had, but then I realized that I was at fault, and I apologized. There was discussion of details and the person’s tone became hostile and they swore.

I had sustained humility until that point, but then I was triggered.

I raized my voice, upset.

I was accused of yelling.

And then the conversation went downhill on both sides for a few minutes until I became quiet. I was able to stop responding, which took a great deal of effort and restraint.

We disconnected.

I was still upset with the other person, but more upset with myself.

How could I land here after so much work …and so much commitment?

My meditation was a joke. I could not stay present.

Being imperfect is just not enjoyable.

And yes, I realize the ridiculousness of that sentence. I’m going to be sustaining imperfection for life.

How do I navigate it?

Simple tasks help.

There is still time to regain my sense of self.

Thank you LIFE (or ego) for letting me know – again – how much work there is to do.

I don’t know that I will ever arrive, but I will continue to walk the path.

I suppose these triggering events help me to sustain my work toward overall balance and wellbeing.

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Pilgrimage to the Ocean

by 8hummingbirdway

Last week I felt compelled to go visit the ocean, as if there was a call from Mother Ocean to my soul.

It had been too long since I was there. I had been to the Ocean last May in North Carolina, and walked along it in Massachusetts last September, but I now felt a call to a specific place where family and friends had gathered for years. In this place it feels as if the ocean knows me.

Nobody else felt the call, or had time to join me, so I took off by myself, driving most of the night with a couple of sleep stops. It’s about a 6 hour drive.

I arrived in the morning at low tide and I walked out on the beach.

I sat down a few feet from the water and started to cry – just a brief release. I was deeply grateful to find myself in this place – to smell it’s fragrance, to hear and see the waves, to walk on the sand and kick off my shoes.

I realized that this might be my last visit here, and I’m ok with than. I’m approaching 70, and the family no longer gathers here. These types of plans are generally in the hands of the next generation, and gatherings tend to be at someone’s home; nobody wants to camp out as we did near this slice of beach.

I had been thinking, as I planned and drove East, about the fact that the 4 main lineages of my ancestors all crossed this water to arrive at this coast – both to Canada, and to this shore.

So I thanked the Ocean for bringing us here safely, where my parents and their parents and their parents met.

Then I thanked this living body of water for her presence and connection with my family.

Then I sang a song to the spirits of the ocean that I always sing, whenever and wherever we meet. My son and daughter used to sing harmony when they were very young, and that was lovely.

After a while I decided to anoint myself and walked a couple steps into the gentle waves, reaching over from my waist to touch the water. I somehow lost my balance and fell back on my butt just as a wave was crashing in! It felt playful!

This was the first time I felt as if the Ocean had a consciousness, and this feeling sustained as my time there passed. I walked a ways down the beach, in and out of the water, then returned to my spot and immersed myself fully. (I had brought a bathing suit, but I was already wet.)

After a couple of dips, I sat down in the shallow water where the waved came higher and higher for about 20 minutes. Every wave was a delight and an embrace, as well as a playful connection. The waved moved up and finally one splashed my face and I decided it was time to go. I picked up my things, then took a moment and a last deep breath.

I changed into dry clothes and headed home – deeply grateful.

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