I’m Coming out of the Closet!

It has taken a long time, but this morning during a meditation/breathwork session, it became clear that it is time. I have some things to offer and I am going to bring them forward. I have lost my fear …of ridicule …of failure …of not being able to stand in the light …of what might come through during channeling Lei Lei.

I have stated that I am a channel on my FaceBook profile and written a few random things over time. This morning I posted this:

For almost a year now, I have been channeling a loving being named Lei Lei …since last September. I was engaged in a healing process that included dream analysis. It was explained to me that my dreams were messages from my soul. I received two messages repeatedly …one about my health and one that I had agreed before this incarnation to channel. I resisted both messages initially, but when a dream indicated that I was not fulfilling my mission in this life, I decided to try to comply. It’s been an amazing journey, a blessed journey. I had to learn to trust, and there were agreements that had to be made between Lei Lei and I. I had to learn how to raise my frequency and to get my mind out of the way so that the messages, healing and information could come through from the higher realm exactly as intended.

I have much more to share about this – about who exactly Lei Lei is, and I will be bringing messages forth, and who knows what will unfold!

Life is wondrous!

This is a departure for me. I can’t say exactly why, but a page has turned.

Oh, I guess it’s the fear thing.

Gratitude.

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Self-righteousness

I truly believe that we are entering a new time, that our world is changing. I am coming to understand more and more that reality is not easy to understand, to pin down. Things are not as they seem. I/we seem to have been living in a fictional reality.

No – that’s not right. It’s that we somehow construct our sense of reality based on our perception of what we believe to have occured/be occurring in our lives …and around us.

We actually get to choose the reality we live in to some extent …by our perception of what is and what we align with …and how we conduct ourselves.

Mostly I feel I am aligned with the raising frequencies and vibrations. I believe in them. I hold onto these beliefs with all my heart.

(I’m sure this would sound completely crazy to my dad, who I love and respect. But he is no longer with us in the physical world.)

Today, however, I woke with a bellyache. I had gone to bed self-righteously and distant because my husband wouldn’t talk to me about an issue I was annoyed about. I realized this morning that if he had simply worded his position differently, it would have been no issue.

Is this how I want to live? Causing strife and negativity around me?

No. I want to be that person who lets small things go, who recognizes what is important – my beloved partner, that our time together be harmonious, that wakes up each morning with gratitude …rather than remorse.

The debate was so unimportant. Different ways of communicating …a minor irritation.

I missed our gentle evening time together – listening to a story and then enjoying the back porch after dark …giving him a back scratch. This is the true gold in my life.

I will apologize this morning, forgive myself, and do my best to harvest all the blessings that are here for me in this day.

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Karmic Pain and Healing

In the past several months I have learned some things about karmic pain.

  1. The pain is real.
  2. It cannot be diagnosed or healed by a medical professional.
  3. It is a release that you can facilitate – if you want to resolve it (and remove the pain).
  4. It may be the result of harm you did to someone in this lifetime, but is often a result of some harm you did to another in a past life. You were the perpetrator – the cause of harm to another.
  5. You can “go within” to discover what the origin of your pain is. Trust what comes to you – a story or visual image of what occurred in the past. The information you receive may be simple or elaborate.

In my 30’s I experienced jaw pain for several months. I had a massage therapist work on it repeatedly, doing deep muscle work. No impact. I consulted with a dentist. Nothing was amiss. One day I screamed into a pillow in frustration …and the pain was gone! I got into my car and drove for about a half hour to a nearby city, screaming all the way and all the way back. It never bothered me again …until this fall.

I have mentioned being engaged with a healing process called Soul Convergence this year. A significant part of the process is to resolve one’s karma, which includes harm one may have done to others. At one point in the process, quite a few participants were experiencing pain that they could not explain.

I cannot say why my jaw pain was dormant for almost 40 years. But this Fall, it resurfaced. I was guided to go within, and I experienced my jaw being caved in as a result of a battle incident. Then I realized I was experiencing the injury that I had done to another. I had been in battle, but this clubbing of another man was done out of cruelty – above and beyond the necessities of battle.

Week after week it was increasingly painful. The pain went from my jaw to my ear, the area of my eyes, and down into my throat. This is what the man I injured experienced, along with shame of his hideous injury, his infected tissue and crumbling skull. He pretended to eat, but could barely drink …and died within a few weeks. I had a great deal of information about this injury.

I eventually learned to go into the pain. I remembered that a woman I had once met talked about mitigating pain by entering it, and I decided to try this. It helped and relieved the pain I was experiencing. I can’t say how this works, but it did.

One morning I woke and the pain was gone.

I have a few other areas of pain I’ve been guided to address as a result of harming others in other lifetimes. One other story was not elaborate like this one. I haven’t gone into the others yet.

According to the teachings of Soul Convergence, it’s time to resolve our karma.

We are moving from a karmic reality to a dharmic reality. I don’t fully know what this means, but now is the time to resolve karma.

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Simply smile

One of the best ways to use your power is to smile.

Faces transform into light when one smiles, and this light sometimes transforms others, both witnesses and recipients of your smile.

I love smiling at others when my inner light feels bright. Usually I receive the gift of a return smile.

In the supermarket, on the street, at the doctor’s office, others are open to your smile.

If you feel you want to connect further – complement earrings or the colors they are wearing or their hair style or color.

“You look great in that red!”

“I love your hair, who does it?”

Oh dear! As I write this, I realize these suggestions are mostly of a female nature!

A man might be more comfortable asking advice about where to find something in the supermarket along with that smile? Because those compliments are mostly for women – and can be misunderstood.

[This surprises me – to discover that I think I am writing about/for people and find I’m writing about/for only half the population. ]

A man can still simply smile.

There is power in a smile, the best kind of power – freely and generously given, without expectation.

Your smile might change the world.

Sometimes a friendship might follow, but mostly you are simply offering a small form of love or high regard for your fellow human (or animal).

I know that if others smile at me, I am lifted.

This holds great value – and power.

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I Chose My Husband Well

I chose my second husband well.

He speaks the truth, and he doesn’t feel he has to say everything he thinks. This is of primary importance to me.

He is very much a home guy.

He loves animals and plants the way I love children.

I am a gardener. I have been growing vegetables since my 20s – and some fruit bushes and trees. My husband gardens with an expertise that I don’t have. And he brought flowers to the garden! He bravely plants sunflowers right in the middle of the rows of vegetables – along with tithonia, zinnias, cosmos, and specific pollinators for his bees.

There are flowers everywhere! He just installed our summer hanging flowers – fragrant petunias and lovely fuchsia with the hummingbirds in mind – and other colorful blossoms as well.

He enjoys thrift shops the way I do – and he seeks out loves yard sales.

He loves music, as do I. We listen to live music fairly regularly locally and travel to see excellent musicians occasionally.

He loves the displays of nature and traveled to see 2 total eclipses with me! We also share a love of the ocean and the hills and the woods.

He is wise about money in a way that I have never been. Over time I have become more conscious and frugal, and he has stopped worrying as much about finances.

He got me bicycling and hiking and I got him eating more vegetables.

He participates in community theater! This is a love of mine since high school. And he’s very good at it.

He can be grouch in the morning when I am at my best, and he is at his best in the evening when I am sometimes a grouch.

I’ve learned from him to hold my tongue and he’s learned from me to let go of stress.

He is a lovely person to travel through life with, and to grow old with.

I am blessed by his presence in my life in so many ways – some of which took me years to recognize.

My gratitude is boundless.

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Baraka means Blessing

Looking back to Africa

The young man who stayed close to me for my protection when we visited the Bulango Camp is named Baraka. I felt completely safe with him as I lingered behind the others in the group to greet and connect with the women and children who had been displaced. He is one of Bienve’s close helpers. He drives others, protects, and I don’t know what else. Baraka has my heart. Language barriers prevented us from exchanging information, except for my gratitude. I hold him in my heart.

I remember this photo being taken on our last day. I have wanted to see it, to have it, to share it, but it wasn’t with the 2 batches that were shared with me. Tonight I found it, looking again at the expanded collection.

Beautiful. It holds all I remember of our connection. I’m grateful beyond words. My heart is full.

I remember looking into Baraka’s eyes in this moment of our photo. His gaze was steady and warm. It was hard for me to sustain our connected gaze. I had to look away, felt I should be posing, looking at the photographer. There was another shot taken where I am looking away. But here the moment is caught when I am fully present, receiving and giving love.

And so I have it still.

I wish there was something I could do for this young man. He was taken from his village as a child and forced into life as a soldier. I don’t know how long this lasted or how old he was or how he found his way to Bienve and the organization he now serves – Remember Youth for Change. (Website almost complete!) I do know he is very fortunate. So many who have walked the path of child soldier do not find safe harbor or work. They are outcasts for reasons that are not spoken, that I can guess.

It has been suggested that it is better to donate to the organization than to give to individuals, and I’m certain that is true. Still, I will let Bienve know that if there is ever a need – for education or other help for Baraka – to reach out to me. Everything is a great deal less expensive in Congo, and I might be able to make a difference.

Thank you for sharing this moment with me, and for indulging my heart.

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Potato Field, Allies, and “Thunder”

The Africa Posts

We returned to the van and drove on the central road to park by a large potato field on a hill. Near the van, more land was being tilled by some older boys of the refugee camp. It was clearly very hard going.

This camp had been in existance at least long enough to grow a crop of potatoes. Bienve had told us that an area of potato plants (out of sight, over the hill) had been dug up and taken recently. He said he did not blame the perpetrators; he knew that hunger drove them. However, it was a loss for the community.

The caring presence of Bienve can be seen here, in a video of displaced persons from one of the camps in Goma, working in the potato fields, creating agribusiness.

Beinve and my son walked up the hill to see the gardens beyond, and I stood by the working boys. The photographer who had been traveling with us leaned on the van, along with 2 men who had been child soldiers (1 was the driver). There was a steady trickle of children walking along the road and I wondered where they were going to and from. I smiled and said “bonjour,” and I soon had another group surrounding me. I felt a little closed in, and this group felt different than the walking group from earlier. I think it was my difference, my skin color, that attracted them for the most part. I heard the word Mzungu (meaning white person) a few times. There were no very young children, and it seemed like an elementary school crowd. I wonder now, whether there was some sort of informal schooling set up as well as the one we visited this morning. These children had no uniform, but I sensed they had purpose. Several said “money,” which I ignored, as I had been advised.

I reached out in my mind for some French words that I could say and after some faltering attempts I arrived at the phrase “Tout les enfants sont bon,” which means “All children are good.” The children agreed with n heads nodding. There was warmth and smiles. It may have been that I was a bit tired or depleted; it may have been that these children had less need. I learned that the level of need is much greater if one is a very recent refugee.

After maybe 10 minutes, a man came along to shoo away the children. I thought it was the photographer; he had a similar build. I didn’t like the fact that he sent them off unceremoniously, but I was in a mode of acceptance about choices made around me while I was in another culture in another part of the world.

I stepped to the other side of the road to talk with the man, who seemed to have something to say. There was some back and forth in English and French and after a few minutes he started asking me for money. I said no; I said I don’t have any, but why would he believe that? (My son was handling funds; the exchange rates were a bit confusing for me.) He persisted, and I glanced over to the van where my 3 friends were still leaning. I realized this wasn’t the photographer I was talking to. I left him and walked over to join them, leaning on the van until our next move.

I felt very comfortable with these men from Remember Youth for Change. https://www.facebook.com/rememberyouthforchange

The photographer was clearly a fan of mine. I had noticed him photographing me at various times. I had taken to smiling and pointing to my son as the main event – which he definitely was. I felt he (the photographer) was a person who saw value in my warmth, which I tend to offer easily. My son is the one, however, who cares enough to create change and to make sure the corporate funds he controls are used well – and expends a great deal of energy understanding what is needed in various parts of the world.

The 2 men who had experienced being child soldiers also have my heart, especially the one who was the driver. I will return to him another time.

At one point during this visit I heard thunder. I believe it was when we were standing by the potato field. I did not find out more until we returned to the US; at the time, it was kept from me that this sound was actually artillery fire. I never felt unsafe when I was in Goma or the surrounding area, but later it was explained to me that all was not as I experienced. I know no more about this and it is not my area of interest. Except that the occupants of the refugee camp have had to contend with this instability along with all of their loss.

Would you like to know more about Goma’s nonprofit Remember Youth for Change? https://www.facebook.com/rememberyouthforchange

Visiting homes and walking in the refugee camp

The Africa Posts

We drove deep into the camp, perhaps another half mile, parked, got out, and started to walk around the “homes.”

“UNHCR, the UN Refugee Agency, provides emergency protection and assistance to keep them safe, including shelter, access to clean water, food, medical care and help to reunite families.” Based on my limited experience, the refugees you will see in the photos of this website have had showers, new clothing and more food than the people I met. https://www.unrefugees.org/refugee-facts/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAoeGuBhCBARIsAGfKY7xSF1MSr_Vv3dR7Hap0A6stsKZcbOWj-jw958SWNJdWD0zMDGeL5H8aAnmwEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

I am glad to hear about the clean water, food and medical care – and the reuniting of families. I didn’t see any of that, although I did use the sanitary facilities, visited some individual shelters and one larger structure designated as a church.

The tiny homes, about 5′ X 5′, were the main substance of the camp. We entered 3 families’ homes on this day. Although the website shows homes with thatched roofs, these homes were all wrapped in white plastic (like Tyvek) – sides and ceiling – with a door cut out, and the same plastic covered the home. There were white plastic room dividers inside, separating the sleeping area, with one or two mats, from the empty rest of the shelter. That’s it. There were no clothes in evidence aside from what the people are wearing. In one home I saw a small bowl of stems with leaves, but most of these shelters were completely empty aside from the sleeping mats in the sleeping room, 1-2″ high. Some of these mats had frames of some sort, and some seemed to be a pile of fabric.

We walked through the maze of these small cube homes. They stretched on and on. The ground in much of Goma, and in this refugee camp, was made of lava from a volcanic eruption in May 2021. The rocks and dust from the residue of that eruption was not easy to walk on. As an older person, I had to watch every step. The ground was hard and uneven; I could perceive the flow from 3 years ago.

Bienve, director of Remember Youth For Change https://www.facebook.com/rememberyouthforchange guided us left and right; he had secured permission for us to enter 3 homes. The first 2 were simple 2 room units and one had the bowl of stems + leaves I mentioned. The third home was the same size as all the others, but had been divided into 3 rooms. The residents here were a very pregnant very slim woman and her 4 or 5 small children. It was noted that there would soon be an additional resident. I tried to talk to the woman, but she was not responsive. (My French is not great and I don’t know her familiarity with French.) She seemed overwhelmed. I slipped my simple wooden beaded bracelet from my left arm onto her right one and there was an instant of silence. It wasn’t something I thought out, just an “instinctual” act, although I have thought of it many times since. I hope there were trades she could make using my simple gift. Perhaps this is unrealistic. I have no idea of the culture of the camp. What has value (each bead?).

After the visits, we continued on. At one point my son, a soccer player, came across a few boys with an almost unrecognizable brown soccer ball. He gestured to engage with them/challenge them, and the group of 4 or 5 moved in an animated way across the rough lava ground for several minutes.

As for me, I have always been a lover of children. And there was no shortage of children – everywhere! I offered my smile. And the children responded. They recognized my genuine smile and allowed themselves to be drawn to me. Smiles, laughter, openheartedness. There was talk – mostly me saying “Je ne comprends pas,” (I don’t understand) but sometimes I would come up with a word “hand,” “foot,” “friend,” “amour.” I wish I had thought of “song.” I would have loved a song, just from the children. I did say my name occasionally and asked theirs which I didn’t retain at all. After a few more minutes of walking along, I had a large group of children around me touching me, 2-3 holding each hand/arm. For me, this was a delight beyond all others. They read my heart, returned my smile, and I laughed with them and was even more careful with my steps on the uneven ground.

My son and Bienve were maybe 30 ft ahead and they stopped every few minutes. I would do my best to catch up. A couple times I lost sight of them, but then I saw a flash of my son’s shirt down the row between some shelters, and turned that way.

Most of the women we passed smiled at me now, where there faces had been empty when we drove into the camp. I became more comfortable and said a timid and warm “Bonjour” to each woman we passed.

This was the highest joy of my experience in Africa. Children surrounding me with open hearts. The open warm smiles of mothers in loss. A meeting and connection of humanity, of laughter and smiles – and simple joy and fullness for me.

These are the connections one can make: a soccer challenge, smiles, the gift of a bracelet. (It was perhaps a help that we wouldn’t have been able to communicate with language.) These gifts come from an openness on both sides to engage as humans. There is giving and receiving on both sides and true connection results, even if only for an instant.

When I say this was “the trip of a lifetime,” – it is these moments I return to.

My son had said he came on the journey this year with a specific hope to reconnect to his inspiration. The nonprofit work for him had lost something. I felt it was the human connection. He was very involved in the assessment of the funded work, the local organization and local leaders who had secured help and funding, as well as discussion future plans. On this day – having engaged with a soccer ball and several youths, he decided that he would purchase 2 soccer balls that evening and bring them to our outing the next day at the larger refugee camp outside of Goma. (His first connection to Africa was through bringing soccer to a remote village in Uganda.)

Just before we left, Bienve brought a woman over to the vehicle who, he said, would give away some of my gifts, more to the pregnant mother, and some to others. I had a pair of glasses (I had more at home) some scarves, a turquiose stone, some earrings, a feather, some hair clips, I can’t recall what else – and he allowed me to give them to her and save the rest for tomorrow’s refugee camp.

Deep thanks to my friend who said, when she heard I was going to Africa, “What gifts will you bring?”

One last thought. Although I did not feel a personal connection with the pregnant woman, I have thought of her often. I hope that the child was planted in her womb by her mate, who she is without, at least for now. Perhaps forever.

I know there will be additional burden with the coming of this child. I hope there is some blessing for her as well.

My son says there is nothing I can do for her specifically, that I can donate to Remember Youth for Change https://www.facebook.com/rememberyouthforchange or to his (my son’s) organization that helps so many.

But I am more of a one to one person. I keep thinking of a personal sponsoring for this woman and for one other person I met in Congo.

My son would say that I would risk unwise use of any funds provided, and I know this is true.

There is more to tell of this visit.

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My Daughter/My Sister

I wrote recently about the fact that my sister gave birth to my oldest daughter. I believe this was a result of a choice I made that caused pain for both of them. See prior post.

My daughter’s path:

My oldest child was born to my sister, who had taken LSD multiple times with a group of friends at a young age, and at some point got “stuck” in an imbalance through her experience. At the age of 14 or 15, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Her partner, when she brecame pregnant, was an alcoholic who had served in Vietnam. Things were not easy in their home with a newborn child, and at the age of 3 months my daughter was brought to my mother’s house. My mom cared for her for 10 months while I trained for a career which would enable me to support a child.  One might think this was a simple happy ending, but all her life my daughter has carried the pain of abandonment that all adopted children carry. Trust has never come easy to her. For so many many years she felt less than others. She navigated an abusive marriage, which, thank God, she found the strength to leave when her sons were 8 +10. I carry this knowledge of my beloved daughter’s pain.

Today she is an amazing woman. She has healed and is still healing herself and her sons from abuse. She walks tall and is kind. My grandsons are wise and loving – in college and finding their way to full manhood. She has a job she loves and a partner she loves and is becoming a gardener like her mom (me) and also has a special feeling for animals like her biological mother did when she was younger.

She is a loving and supportive and wise and present daughter. I wish she was closer, but I can get to her in 3 hours. I give thanks for her daily.

My sister’s path:

My sister has not had an easy time of it. It was difficult for us (my parents and 4 siblings) to accept our loss of the gentle person we had known, her imbalance and delusions. She spent time in an institution early on, in which she suffered abuse of various kinds at the hands mostly of other patients, including rape. The medication she was given for mental illness made it difficult to think, function, or relate to others. She had a hard time navigating a job or keeping an apartment. Becoming pregnant did not add to her stability, but she did her best.

At the age of 22, my sister was a migrant worker in Florida. When she realized she was pregnant, she returned to the fold of her family. Her boyfriend followed her back North and they were supported to set up housekeeping in a nearby apartment. I lived 4 hours away, and I remember seeing her once during this time. She really did glow. When my sister went into labor almost 2 months prematurely, she was flown to a hospital. Her daughter was in an incubator for some time, without a lot of touch, as happens. My sister took a bus daily and pumped her breasts at the hospital in a city about an hour away to provide the benefit of natural immunities and nutrients carried only in breastmilk. I remember visiting the baby there. She was beautiful.

I don’t know what happened when she was released from the hospital. I was told that one day my sister’s boyfriend showed up at my mother’s door and told her that our sister had left and said “Here’s the baby.” My mom was not physically strong, but managed to care for the baby for close to a year.

I had no thoughts of parenthood, but my father was forceful – saying this child might be all we had of my sister. I acquiesced. Plans were made for me, the oldest, to become her guardian. About 7 months later the 2 of them showed back up again.

This is where my heart breaks. My sister had been pumping milk for all that time so that she could fill a bottle and once again step into motherhood. However, it was not a positive dynamic that they brought into my mother’s house. I had fully embraced the path ahead and “our” baby was now 10 months old. I was spending weekends with her at both my mom’s and my home.

Now my sister had returned and was setting up obstacles so the baby couldn’t get to my mom. She’d crawl over or around one, and another suitcase or box would be set up. Scarves were draped around her neck. I walked into this scenario unexpectedly on day of my sister’s return. My mom, paralyzed, was allowing this. I banished my sister and her boyfriend, taking “my” daughter home with me for a week while my mom had her locks changed. No conversations. No explanations. No attempt to navigate the change of course with compassion or grace. I just went into protective mom mode and took the action I perceived as correct. [Did I mention how much I loved and missed my sister? A story for another day.]

I think of this as the day I stole my sister’s child.

We didn’t see my sister again for years. This lovely child turned my boyfriend and I into parents; we got married and adopted her. We were a family. We had 2 more children a few years later. My sister did return to the area where our parents lived for a few years, and she and her biological (our) daughter got to know each other during family gatherings. Then she disappeared again. Nothing about any of this – presence or absence – was easy for either of them. 

My daughter never saw her biological father again. Our door was open to him and there was one aborted visit that broke her 4 year old heart. When she was a young adult, he called her off and on for a few years saying “Hi it’s your father.” She informed him one day that he was not her father, and maybe that’s when the calls began to include alcohol and anger. When she moved, he no longer had her number (cell phones). My daughter learned after trying to seek him out a couple years ago that he had died the prior year.

My sister now lives 2 times zones away, has a stable life and our youngest sister and her husband provide connection and family in the form of their children and grandchildren on a regular basis.

My gratitude is boundless.

So much pain all around. But a song arises, strangely from this telling. The words are …

From thee I receive, To thee I give, Together we share, And from this we live.

Because there is also so much love.

I thank my father for keeping my sister and my daughter in our lives.

I thank my youngest sister for providing so much for our challenged sister.

And as well as the knowledge of their pain, I carry the wonder of my sweet sister’s gift to me.

I will tell more about all of this – of us on our joined and separate journeys – at some point.

Listen to song mentioned above (hoping I posted it correctly). https://youtube.com/shorts/F1-eICA5hS0?feature=shared

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