Tag: Disappointment

Losing my Balance

by 8hummingbirdway

I have been working so hard on sustaining balance, on not even thinking negatively about others, on not being judgemental. For what seems like a very long time, I have been engaged in healing my past, meditating daily, walking, practicing Qigong, parcticing humility, serving others, focusing on being kind, focusing on simple tasks.

And it has improved my life. I feel balanced and happy and more confident …most of the time. I take pride in the new me. I am deeply grateful.

And the world has opened up in new ways.

However …it seems that life is still offering up regular challenges …so I can know from time to time that I haven’t truly arrived anywhere.

This morning, I was unable to navigate a family member’s hostility toward me regarding a trivial matter.

I was told that I made a mistake. I didn’t think I had, but then I realized that I was at fault, and I apologized. There was discussion of details and the person’s tone became hostile and they swore.

I had sustained humility until that point, but then I was triggered.

I raized my voice, upset.

I was accused of yelling.

And then the conversation went downhill on both sides for a few minutes until I became quiet. I was able to stop responding, which took a great deal of effort and restraint.

We disconnected.

I was still upset with the other person, but more upset with myself.

How could I land here after so much work …and so much commitment?

My meditation was a joke. I could not stay present.

Being imperfect is just not enjoyable.

And yes, I realize the ridiculousness of that sentence. I’m going to be sustaining imperfection for life.

How do I navigate it?

Simple tasks help.

There is still time to regain my sense of self.

Thank you LIFE (or ego) for letting me know – again – how much work there is to do.

I don’t know that I will ever arrive, but I will continue to walk the path.

I suppose these triggering events help me to sustain my work toward overall balance and wellbeing.

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Deception, Confusion and Disappointment in Myself

by 8hummingbirdway

Yesterday I woke thinking about about the post I wrote the day before, the one that showed up before this, called “The Wounded Father.” I felt, as I scheduled it, that I should read it again. But I didn’t. The day was busy.

I also had a dream that night that showed I had been or was being deceptive. And then I realized that it was about my post.

The post cast a negative shadow on another person, a person I care about. A person who is doing his best, like most of us.

He will not read the post, nor will his children, who inspired the post.

I thought about removing the post , but this seems cowardly …like sweeping things under the rug. I don’t like doing that. [the post was removed on 7/21/25]

I will remove it eventually, maybe next week. But first I want to lay myself bare …to the best of my ability.

I don’t quite understand the word …deceptive. I exposed some aspects of a person and his upbringing in some detail …then I went into a discussion of the plight of the male, something I have wanted to write about, have started to write about in the past. But I left out aspects that I beleive are important, skimming over the topic, leaving a pretense of having addressed it – and him – with wisdom and understanding.

So I guess that’s it. The word “pretense” makes it clear to me. A version of deception.

The post also lacks qualities I try to bring forth – like inspiration, or shining a light on something, or offering resolution, understanding. It was an attempt that should have been reworked or discarded.

I have been wanting to write more, but not in this way. Each message must have clarity, purpose, integrity …reflecting my truth.

I do want to thank the reader that commented positively on the post. I was glad it had some value for her. And I agree with her – that things are changing for the better.

Blessings,

Annie

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