Dark Night of the Soul?

I had a recent experience that was difficult, confusing and unsettling …and it made me wonder whether I had (or have) arrived at what is called “The Dark Night of the Soul.” This is a challenging time or experience that I have read/heard about. It’s something that one on a spiritual journey often has to go through or navigate.

I do feel that I am walking a spiritual path. A friend recently called me a “seeker,” …which felt accurate.

I was visiting 2 sisters with my daughter and grandson. It was an important journey that had been long envisioned and put off twice.

Finally, it came to be. We had made the journey across 2 time zones, and had 3 days to connect with both of my sisters and some other relatives. All went well. We shared meals and played games and took a small hike in the Rockies.

On the last night of our visit, I was overtired and short of sleep. I had consumed a great deal of coffee for 3 days – not my normal pattern. I wanted to be present for all of it – with my sisters, daughter, grandson, nephew, etc., so I put off naps I should have taken, and on the last night I agreed to take my sister back to her apartment even though I was exhausted and unfamiliar with the car and nobody else wanted to come along.

One sister lives almost an hour from where we were staying at my other sister’s house. The roads were winding and a bit sketchy in some places.

I thought I knew the way but did not. Right after dropping off my sister, it started to get dark and I didn’t even know how to operate the lights, had to pull over in traffic. I became very tired, and a little uncertain that I was going the right way for a while. (Grateful for GPS.)

I was nervous and I started to blame my daughter and my sister for allowing me to go alone. I knew it made no sense. I didn’t even ask for company. All day I knew I’d be taking this ride and I didn’t take a nap as I should have. I even had a piece of cake before leaving the house …and I knew as I ate it that it would make me less alert …but the blame kept rising in me.

There was nobody to blame but myself, but I was upset. I made it back safely. It had been a grueling trip back for me, and I didn’t talk to anyone, just proceeded to get ready for bed, not my normal warm/connected self.

My sister sensed something and knocked on my door. I said I’d be right out, and went to the living room where my daughter, my grandson, my sister and my brother-in-law were chatting.

My sister asked if I was ok. I said I was just tired, that it was too much for me to drive alone so late and it was nobody’s fault but mine. But there was blame in my voice. I heard it. I felt it. I couldn’t get rid of it. Then I went to bed.

A bit later I got up apologize, but I was not in good form. My daughter was especially upset and feeling badly.

Then to bed; I slept for 2 hours. At 1am I was awake, couldn’t sleep. I read, I did puzzles, I listened to YouTube, but I couldn’t sleep. Each time I tried, the tears would come – a deep (quiet) sobbing. This went on for hours.

At one point I went to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. I looked like a crazy person. This is when I wondered about the dark night of the soul. I did eventually calm myself and managed to sleep for another hour.

The next morning, we were up early to say our goodbyes, return the rental car, go to the airport. I was exhausted still, doing my best to be my normal self. We took different flights. At one point I started to cry again on the plane and stopped myself. I didn’t sleep. Thankfully, my husband was there to drive me home at the end of the day.

That night I had a dream that I was performing magic and everything was in place – musicians, tools, decorations, audience members …but I was naked.

When I woke, I realized that I felt naked. I’m not sure it’s a bad thing, but that’s how I’ve been feeling.

It’s been a few days. I’ve caught up on my sleep. Maybe it will pass. Maybe it was a short “dark night of the soul” (how long does one last?) …or just exhaustion.

It was definitely not something I’ve experienced before. I can’t decide whether I’m still naked, and what does that mean? No pretense? Openly myself? Am I ok with this way of being?

Maybe it was just exhaustion. Nobody is blaming toward me.

I’m definitely paying attention.

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