I was a Good Mom …?

My life was all about my kids when they were little. I listended to them and hugged them and fed them the best food and spent time with them. I even got to homeschool them for 4 years.

But I just realized that these things were as much for me as for them.

I was a good role model to a large extent. I worked hard and didn’t lie. I didn’t allow them to hurt each other or tell jokes that were unkind. I took them on road trips and adventures and arranged play dates with other families. We spent a lot of time at the library.

But this morning in my meditation some things showed up for me that I did not do.

When my marriage fell apart for me, I didn’t recognize that my children’s entire family was falling apart. My children at this time were at a place where our family was the foundation of their lives.

Their dad was away a lot anyway as they were growing up, so I didn’t realize the loss they were navigating. And truly, he slowly drifted away from them. He did. He is not a bad man, but a man who had no father present for him and didn’t know how to be one. And a musician. He travels.

But I degress. I have discovered this morning how self-centered I have been. This has been changing in the past year or so, but the glimpse I had today was painful.

I have realized in the recent past that my version of being a wife was problematic. And I’ve improved, learned to be a true ally. Still working on it.

But I always thought my parenting was on a high level.

A truly present mother would realize that when you face this loss, divorce of your parents, that you would be suffering in a significant way. And that when another loss was on it’s heels you would need extra attention and comfort and maybe a heartfelt talk. I did not realize these things.

A better mother would provide a safe space for you when, a few years later, you faced another loss. But no. I put my own comfort first.

I was deceptive at another time so that I could be helpful to someone else.

Later, I forgot how to be a kind grandma with words and actions. I got overwhelmed and acted in a way toward my young grandson that I never would have acted toward my children at that age.

These things all returned to me this morning.

I have wondered why my child is so distant. Now I understand.

Of course I texted my child and shared a list of my follies.

Oh. Self-centered.

I will do better.

There may be more to reveal itself about who I have been, how I have navigated my life.

I know this is part of the path I am on.

It’s a hard day. There have been many tears. I have had to accept an aspect of myself that I have not been aware of, that I deeply regret.

In all honesty, this is the one of the fruits of being on a spiritual path

Increased connection with Spirit and self is deeply rewarding …but not always easy or what one might expect.

I am grateful for the truths that were shown to me today.

I will reap the benefits of this knowledge …in my future perception, choices, and ways of being.

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