Hello Fear

Early this morning I woke up early (2:30am – not unusual for me). I used the bathroom and returned to bed, still groggy, hoping I would be able to return to sleep. A bit later I heard the sound of my cell phone notifying me of a message. For some reason, fear struck my belly at this sound. I didn’t get up to check the phone, which I usually turn off before bed; I knew that if there was an emergency I’d get a call.

But the fear didn’t go away. After an hour or so I got up.

The fear is in the pit of my stomach. It took it’s place in an instant. I don’t know why it occurred in this way, but I do know what it’s about. In 2 weeks I will be boarding an airplane that will take me to Africa, into the unknown. My son will arrive a few hours before me and meet my plane, and just yesterday I asked him how to proceed if something held him up and he wasn’t there. He sent me a map for the air bnb. He made sure the contact person had my name as well as his, and that I had her phone number. He arranged for a driver to meet me if there was some flight delay on his journey. I’m grateful and I have released that specific concern.

For the most part, I have been avoiding sharing my fears with my son. He has traveled extensively since the age of 13. First with his dad, then on his own, and that kind of fear is not in him.

My fears are vague and general. Very long flights with stopovers of 4-6 hours. Worry about getting sleep, having food, my final packing process with limited weight and size of carry-on’s allowed by the 5 different airlines. There are so many details. (What if I end up having to check something and its lost? We will not be staying in one place for the duration.)

It took me a good part of 2 days to figure out flights. I think that was where the anxiousness arose at first.

And then – what if I don’t have the right clothes? I learned that women in the villages we would visit wear long skirts. And I would want to wear certain colors; not black and blue – my favorites – which attract tsetse flies, which can cause African sleeping sickness. And we will be going on a Gorilla Trek – which is exciting and unsettling – and requires specific gear and knowledge and could be an 8 hour hike. And I needed a yellow fever immunization to enter Congo. Not an easy thing to find. And my primary health insurance carrier does not cover out of the country and I had to figure that out. So there has been a flurry of activity and I learn more daily. And fresh worries arise daily.

I’m grateful that my son has handled the visas and the accommodations and hiring drivers and the flight between Uganda and Rwanda. He is sometimes short on information, but he assured me yesterday that we can buy anything I forget or can’t fit.

My husband is nervous about my safety, and my son has said twice that it’s been years since an American was murdered or kidnapped. (I’m not sure how reassuring that would be if this was my concern.) In all honesty this is not where my fears lie. I trust this trip. I trust my life path and I’m not afraid of death. (I don’t think my path is to spend the rest of my days in a Congo prison, but if it is, I will navigate it and learn from it and exemplify kindness and wisdom to the best of my ability. I have lived a good life and my kids are grown up.)

Nothing could stop me from going on this trip with my son.

I am at ease with people of all cultures here on this soil. And I’m excited about experiencing being white in a black culture. And simply being there!

I’ve let go of all my food preferences and restrictions and am not worried about what I’ll eat.

It’s going to be hot and humid, not my favorite but I don’t fear it. I will bring long underwear in case of freezing air conditioning or lack of blankets.

It’s something about the “unknown-ness” of this looming trip and the passage of time.

I am not a world traveler. I love road trips and have traveled around the US a fair amount. I truly can’t say why this is so different for me.

I do not enjoy flying, mostly because of lack of personal space. I have had moments of uneasiness on airplanes, but I know it’s safer than a car. I don’t fear flying if I have to – not much, at least.

I am generally not a fearful person.

Initially I was not afraid. But as time has pulled me closer to my departure date, I have experienced anxiety and agitation …and now outright fear. I learned a few days ago that connecting to the Earth helps me to release anxiety and agitation, and I’m guessing that it will help me if I go out and stand on the ground. I’m going to go do that now, in the safety of the quiet dark morning in my back yard.

It does help to know that it’s the same Earth in Africa as it is here in upstate NY.

I can’t wait to meet this part of the planet and her people!

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