This is a long story that I will tell in pieces.
I will start by telling about the time I went to see a psychic. I was around 32. The woman lived about 40 minutes away from me and was recommended to me by a friend. She had no knowledge of my life.
I came with a few questions, the first being “What happened to the souls of the 2 children I decided I wasn’t ready to give birth to?” [I had 2 abortions, which I regret today because of my experiences in parenting, my deep love for my children, my love for all children, because of what I have come to understand about the soul, and because of the challenges to myself and others that seem to have been created by that choice.]
I will never forget her answer to my question. “The one is your son and the other is your sister’s child.”
I had been told by a teacher of sorts that the souls of aborted children would circle around the mother and be stuck there for the rest of her life. The woman’s answer, however, brought me a great deal more than relief from that concern. At the time of this meeting I had two children – my very young son and my daughter, 6 or 7, who I had adopted when my sister was unable to care for her child. I told the psychic this, and she was deeply impacted, as was I. In that moment I felt relief, wonder and gratitude.
Over the years, I have also come to understand the grief that resulted from my earlier choices based in fear. I believe that I was meant to be their mom, and am SO grateful that they came again to me. My daughter found another pathway – and my sister must have agreed, at the soul level, to serve us in this way. I do believe that this is the truth of what occurred – and if I am right in my perception, my sister and my daughter have suffered substantially because of my choice.
I understand that I did my best.
I do not berate myself for choices made long ago.
But I do carry the knowledge of the pain I believe I caused.
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8 hummingbird way 