Tag: trusting men

Return to the Father

by 8hummingbirdway

I just completed a short meditation I posted recently – called Unity Breath. I will post it here again because there were several videos I shared in that post. https://youtu.be/CKy_uEj0mPY?si=xVPLJoywA5irkrEj

I listen every morning for 10 minutes. It is a significant blessing in my life and a beautiful way to start my day. I alway feel simply amazing and SO much love. Sometimes it brings tears, like the recent memories of my faulty parenting. These are the most impactful and opening experiences. I cry and release that which has gone before.

This morning I made sense of my detachment from all things male for most of my life.

About a year ago I recieved a message from my father (via a psychic) – that I was the one that he saw so much potential in – and I realized his disappointment in me. He had told me from a young age that I could be anything I wanted. He had been hoping for a doctor or lawyer – he’d said that when I was quite little …that I could be one of those. But I chose differently – food coop, clean houses, school bus driver, etc.

In 5th grade, I didn’t attend the special academy that all his work associates sent their kids to. I was socially awkward; it would have been a nightmare.

He changed toward me.

Later he didn’t like me talking on the phone to boys and I was …just a problem.

This is around the time I parted ways with God + Christianity – at 12 or 13.

For a long time there was no religion. Then I discovered the Goddess in my 30s and I spent quite a few years as a devotee. I was greatful to have Spirit firmly in my life again.

Other things lowered me in dad’s estimation and by the time I got pregnant with my 3rd child he said “Great – another kid to bail out of jail.” (I’m not going to explain, but he didn’t ever have to do that for me or my children.)

That was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I was speaking to him again by the time I had a memory of sexual abuse 2 year later. I didn’t see a face, but I blamed my father and let him and my siblings know. He was never alone with any grandchild after that. Full story here.

And that was really it for me and my dad. Until he died.

Then I remembered more about his good sides …and saw more clearly. Not long after, I had a dream that I met Dad in a lovely dream. We were watching over my older daughter, as we both did when she was very little.

Then years later, during a healing process, I saw exactly who sexually abused me and it wasn’t him.

Meanwhile, I had come to peace with the male aspect of God. For many years I couldn’t even say or bear to hear the word God. At some point in recent years that was no longer the case.

This morning in my first silent meditation I was shown a family situation – deciding what to do when my sister abendoned her child. I did not want to be a parent at the time, but was the oldest. I thought we should let her go – be adopted. Until my father said he would raise her. I then said I would raise her. I thought so little of him that I would rather a stranger raise my neice than my father. This morning is the first time I can see how crazy that was – and the love for everyone came flooding in – my sister, my daughter, my father.

Listening to the Unity Breath meditation, I was able to connect with the Divine Father in a new and heartfelt way – bringing so much relief …and the release of tears …and the acdeptance of God’s love.

And I connected all these dots from the past.

Life is just amazing.

Also amazing is my recent understanding …that we have it all planned out before birth.

I want to give massive credit to my husband, my beloved sacred man – wonderful father and husband. I have finally opened my heart to trust him fully in the recent past as well. He is a pivotal catalyst for me in embracing ALL.

Would you like to get blog posts sent directly to your email inbox?  Subscribe below.

Surrounded by Women

by 8hummingbirdway

After writing the prior post about my daughter, I can’t help notice that most of her loved ones are male. She has girlfriends, but the people she trusts the most and lives with are male.

It has been the same for my older daughter. In 5th grade the girls all turned mean and she removed herself from their domain. She hung out with a male friend a couple houses away and all his friends. She still feels most at ease with men.

Both daughters have sons, no daughters (yet).

It’s interesting how life unfolds for people. I have always surrounded myself with females. I have 3 sisters – and one brother who I found simply annoying when we were young. [I do make an effort now to connect with him and his family, but he is generally too busy. This may be a reaction from younger days – I have no idea. I did tell him often and unkindly to STOP PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE! Unfortunately, he did.]

My sisters, on the other hand, were engaging and interesting and fun. I was closer to my mom than my dad, even though she was a scary screamer. My dad was not always reliable or present. I guess I chose the best I could. She sang to me sweetly at bedtime, and was around more.

I was nervous around boys in school. I didn’t understand them at all – nor did I understand men for a long time. The teenage/sexual realm was tough for me.

I think it took having a son and him becoming an adult for me to understand the male. And having a husband who is home/comes home every day is also a big asset. (As opposed to my often absent musician first husband).

I trusted women. I understood women. I always gravitated toward women in social circles.

I’m not saying that women are perfect people, or even better people.

Some of them are awfully caught up in being physically beautiful, or trying to be. And other superficialities such as beautiful clothing and home.

My older daughter’s best friend for many years kept being interested in every man my daughter spent time with, and even in her first husband.

But I have found good friends almost exclusively in women over the years. They do come and go. Jobs change, some don’t have kids and lose interest. Some don’t survive a life change, personal growth, political viewpoints, a move, or a challenging event.

I lost most of my friends (and was judged harshly by my siblings) during Covid because of my choice not to vaccinate. I learned to keep my mouth shut, but that’s a story for another day. Or not.

I kept one of my close friends. And my siblings and some older friends are back to talking to me.

But women – they can talk talk talk and share share share their feelings. I have a need to do that. Not as much as when I was younger, but more than my husband or my son want to talk/share.

My younger daughter doesn’t indulge in this much either, but my older daughter appreciates a break from her men to sort things out on our weekly phone calls.

Lately I have tea with women friends, both new and old, a few times a month – to chat and share and dissect things such as husbands, children, life, beliefs, and ourselves.

The other day, at a gathering of a few people I had been in a play with (small town, local writers and actors), I started to chat with some women, but politics was brought up so I wandered off and sat on a couch with the dad of a lovely child who was new to our acting group. I really enjoyed our discussion. He was right on my wavelength in so many ways, and our conversation flowed and flowed and I had to tear myself away when my husband was ready to go. His wife and daughter joined the conversation, but it was this man who most engaged me. He was a delight!

Oh – and there’s also the young man from Uganda who I can talk with quite easily. I hope to post about our conversations soon. And there are others.

So I suppose I have graduated to being able to find the comfort zone with both men and women.

I’m grateful and glad.

Would you like to get blog posts sent directly to your email inbox? Subscribe below.