I believe that my yearning for being born in another time, and for simpler ways, closer to the land is the result of being born into this physical reality without the proper guidance of those who might teach me about who I am, how to conduct myself, and how to live and provide for myself. We enter this word in need of guidance about who we are, how to navigate challenges, how to honor ourselves and to make sense of our lives.
Once a group of people leaves the tribal paradigm, we generally no longer grow our own food or build our own homes. We become dependent on an external version of property, propriety and status. We are not taught how to live in balance, how to honor ourselves and others, or how to live and eat in harmony with the seasons. We are not taught about who we are, who our people are, who our ancestors are, where they came from, or what they believed. Most of us do not have a place on the earth, do not have a clear sense of responsibility to our community, to our elders, or to our children.
Parents in our current paradigm have little time for their children. I was lucky to have been raised by those who did their best for me, my parents – though looking back I can see that they too, though they did their best, were lost.
Today, many people, possibly most people in our culture, are on a treadmill of providing funds for food that may not nourish their families, funds so we can dress in ways and have things that will allow us to “fit in” or to impress others, providing wealth rather than stability and self-understanding to their children. Children are raised predominantly in some sort of childcare arrangement and they are taught in schools. The public school lessons are mostly void of values, understanding of self and others, or guidance/training that helps one sort out how to move confidently into adulthood in a way that satisfies or provides for the self, and contributes to the greater good.
When I reached adulthood, I floundered. Jobs, colleges, and relationships with others were somewhat random; they came and went. I did not know how to evaluate myself, my choices or have clear goals. Looking back, I see that the events around me formed my life, not any internalized wisdom, sense of self, sense of place, or understanding of the world around me.
I did not know who I was.
I was generally a caring person, but had little sense of personal boundaries or values. I became a parent because my sister wasn’t able to care for her child and I was the oldest. I married to protect the status of my daughter from her alcoholic biological father and his brother, an attorney.
Parenting was the start of true learning, but I still had a long way to go.
I soon recognized that I carried negative patterns of blame and punishment from my childhood that I could not align with. I had no firm and positive understanding of how to be a parent, nor did I have the biological benefit of instinct kicking in. I turned to books to learn, and I started to gain better parenting skills through reading and experience.
Within a couple of years I strayed from my marriage …when the urge struck, without much thought or understanding about this choice. Within a year or two, I managed to recognize the error (it hurt my heart), and receded back into the marriage that I had established without recognizing that deception and lying were not positive ways to conduct myself.
I never told my husband, but I did tell my children after leaving the marriage. Was that positive? I still don’t know.
There was a fair amount of deception and lying in my childhood, both within my family and elsewhere.
We went on this way, my husband earning a living in a way that did not align with what was legal at the time. We had 2 more children, I worked in the corporate world that I did not respect. My children were in childcare from a very young age.
Shortly after my youngest child was born, I had 2 memories of being sexually abused as a child. I went to a therapist and learned that much of my behavior (controlling behavior, sexual discomfort and bad personal boundaries) were classic patterns of people with this type of experience in childhood.
This memory is what changed my life – for the better, but not without a terrible price.
I realized so much about myself. I worked for years to heal my deep wounds, to correct my ways. One of the first things I realized is that I had been a liar. I stopped in my tracks …or tried to. It was not easy. I had to change a lot of patterns, such as gossip, social white lies, untruths for convenience. Over the years I have gained strength. Sometimes I divert answers so as not to hurt …or to simply keep my thoughts + opinions to myself.
Today I do not lie or practice deception.
My life took a turn. I had left the corporate world and started a house cleaning business that was simple and honest and I provided work for others and paid them well. As the business grew, I was able to homeschool all 3 of my children for two to 4 years, which was a blessing for all of us.
I continued my spiritual search, now standing on more solid ground, understanding more about myself, having established truth, and the beginnings of true personal growth and strength.
The terrible price? Before I fully aligned with truth, I told one last careless untruth, unbeknownst to myself at the time.
I will write more about this soon.
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8 hummingbird way 