Tag: shame

Patterns

by 8hummingbirdway

I have discovered many patterns within myself recently. Patterns I don’t like. Patterns I am ashamed to carry.

They keep showing up one by one.

It’s part of what occurs during the healing process I am on called Soul Convergence. I wrote about this in July, when I was 3 weeks into the journey. Now, in October, I have several weeks to go and I cannot imagine each time I receive a new guided meditation, where it will bring me.

The process contains more than I can describe. It is not for the faint of heart, but it is profound and deep and healing. An amazing amount of love is provided by the Angels who support the process.

It is also exhausting on some level that I don’t understand. I am simply spending about an hour each day listening and opening to the messages …but I am navigating a great deal internally.

As well as love and healing, I am confronted with myself, over and over, more and more deeply. Recognition of patterns I have carried show up during the meditations, in my dreams, and in my behavior. I suppose I am seeing with different eyes these days.

In my last post I wrote about recognizing a pattern of judgement – and speaking about another in a disparaging way about their choices in parenting.

I have also recognized that I have had trouble letting go of what is past – people, ideas, feelings.

I learned that I have interfered in the lives of others. I haven’t been about to mind my own business.

I noticed that I have carried a tendency of thinking I know what everyone ELSE should do, even if I haven’t said anything.

I’ve discovered that I shared what people have said about others with those others – without even realizing it.

I have realize that I act like a spoiled brat sometimes.

I have seen myself being lazy, selfish, and judgmental.

This has all been deeply upsetting and difficult. But I’ve come to understand that this is part of the path I’ve chosen and I have learned to navigate each instance within a few hours, to make a different choice more aligned with the integrity I WANT to align with, and to return to balance fairly quickly.

Making a different choice helps me to release the pattern …and activate a new way of being.

I am happy to say that my family still loves me. They did even before I learned these things about myself. Not that they want to hear about all this. I get that. We all have our own paths.

I am looking forward to landing on my feet after this Soul Convergence.

Next month I will see who I am.

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The Perpetrator, Shame and Punishment

by 8hummingbirdway

[I wrote this post back in January. It was part of looking back at myself and at cultural issues that concern me.]

I am going to share my belief that our culture could and should advance to the point where the perpetrator of harm is helped to release shame.

Why? Because shame is a block to healing. Because the abused person often becomes the perpetrator. And because if we do not see to the wounds of the perpetrator, we perpetuate the harm.

Before one can change ingrained patters of unhealthy and harmful behavior, they must release the shame that comes along with those patterns – whether perpetrator or injured party – often one and the same.

What is shame? Here’s my definition: Shame is the belief of inherent depravety and wrongness of the self.

What does shame do to an individual? It keeps them down, separate, and stuck in imbalance. This imbalance is deeply harmful and limiting. It also is the trigger that initiates undesirable behavior that harms others and the greater community.

I know something about this. I used to carry shame. As a person who was sexually abused. As a child of parents who did not always treat me as a treasured being. As a liar. As the oldest daughter who did not always treat my siblings as treasured beings. And there you have it. The shamed one shames others. It spreads more surely than any virus.

Most of my life I carried shame. It is a heavy load. It stopped me from applying for jobs I was qualified for and would have excelled at. It stopped me from speaking up for myself, expressing my ideas, even talking to others. It stopped me from feeling at ease in my skin – from dancing or singing around others. It stopped me from being at ease with sexuality. I could go on.

I am fortunate that I was able to sustain two marriages and raise three children. I could have done better. I have my regrets. But in the family arena I navigated well for the most part.

I am not sure when the shame actually left me. It was in the past 3 years. (I’m 68.) It was a spiritual journey of coming to terms with my mother, with myself, and with Spirit/Source/ God. A year ago I started posting on Facebook about my shamanic practice. It was only this past summer that confidence was finally born within me, enabling me to offer journey circles to people I didn’t know, enabling me to call forth this website, giving me the opportunity to share the contents of my soul.

Shame is harmful and dark; it destroys people and relationships.

I do not support the current paradigm of prison. It’s inhumane – and it’s another thing to be ashamed about.

Healing should be the focus if one must be separated from the society at large due to their behavior. Not in a punishment that adds deep insult to injury and sets one up to fail on their release. Education and rehabilitation are given lip service, but no personal account that I have ever heard includes true opportunity – except for the occasional opportunity to interact with those who have a healing intention – either inmates or others.

I’m aware of the current pattern of releasing individuals who don’t obey the laws. I am not suggesting that there should be no repercussion for actions against others or against property.

I am also not saying that I align with every law.

I simply cannot see how we can heal humanity without ensuring that all humans have the right to the basic necessities of freedom, food, shelter, clothing – and work in a respectful environment.

I am aware that the color of one’s skin, the language one speaks, and the wealth in one’s bank account mitigate a great deal of “having to pay the price,” and this strengthens my feelings about the unfairness that exists in our legal system.

I do believe that we must, at least in our wealthy country of privilege, find a way to provide access to true wellbeing for all who are able and willing to participate in a functional way, and a safety net for those at risk, should they chose to employ it.

I believe we can and eventually will move forward to a open, loving and healing existence. I see the seeds sprouting all around me.

Once we find a solution to our current paradigm of shame, unfairness, imbalance and harm, I hope that we will spread the healing worldwide.

I am not saying that I know how to bring this to reality. I have confidence that if we were to make healing and personal wellbeing a true priority, those in powers could navigate much closer to this goal. I’m not saying our currently elected leaders will do this. I see no evidence of that possibility.

I will simply say that I believe all humans can be healed to a great extent, that they want to be healed, and that this should be a top priority and intention in families, in all our institutions – including schools, and in our legal systems.

Obviously there is a great deal of work to do.

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About my recent story of Jerry

by 8hummingbirdway

The story of trauma I told in my last post is a story of deep harm and tragedy. My friend was taught to carry shame. However, I’m guessing that nobody has a problem with me telling this story. The greater public does not react with discomfort about me sharing this story. Yes horror. Yes sadness. Hopefully compassion. Perhaps judgement toward the father or towards gun-owners or toward hunters. But no personal shame exists fundamentally in this story. And I am not expected to keep silent.

I am, however, expected to keep silent about other, more sensitive topics that touch upon what we perceive to be shameful. Our culture treats abuse (especially sexual abuse), mental illness, and addiction as shameful topics. Shame for the “victim.” The perpetrator is often protected by the secrecy that results from the abused person’s shame, and the family is protected by their own silence (resulting from shame) regarding mental illness and addiction.

I’m certain there are other categories that carry this kind of shame and secrecy. Sex workers and homelessness come to mind – and there is overlap in all of these categories. But the circumstances of abuse, mental illness and addiction are the circumstances I am personally familiar with.

In telling about my friend’s birthday party or the birth of her son, I am not crossing the line of what is appropriate to share. If I tell about the accident she had or the time her house was broken into I am not crossing the line. If she is murdered I am not crossing the line. But if she is raped or tortured by her husband …it’s private and I am crossing the line of shame to mention it. If she takes a medication that causes a reaction, that’s ok to share, but not a mental reaction, or an addiction, because I am now calling shame upon her.

Are you starting to see what I mean by dirty little secrets and about my feeling concern about our silence – to keep everyone comfortable, and to sustain the status quo?

What is wrong with our sense of right and wrong?

The reality is that people are being hurt by their “loved ones” – both sexually and in other ways. People are diagnosed with mental illness or discover themselves (or their children/mates) to be addicts. And we are expected to keep it to ourselves – secret, hidden.

Would people think it was wrong of me to tell this story if Jerry was about my brother? They might. Some would worry about the impact on him and perhaps on my father, the hunter. The thought and belief is that I should be more protective about family members.

These same concerns exist if stories are told about family members who may have experienced addiction, family members who have been challenged with mental illness, or family members who perpetrated or experienced sexual abuse.

I do not agree with this keeping of dirty little secrets because we are family or because abuse, mental illness or addiction are shameful.

They aren’t shameful; they are conditions of harm. Those who suffer these versions of harm are many. These multitudes who walk among us every day need healing and compassion. However, the healing is not available when we keep these matters in the dark. And compassion does not result if silence is the order of the day.

I do understand about privacy. But the people I have been writing about do not share my last name, nor do they live in my community. I have not exposed them personally. But I am sharing the deep impact that their harm, hurt, and injury has had on me, on my soul, and on my life path.

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