Tag: parenting

Judging another’s way

by 8hummingbirdway

Recently I spoke with someone close to me about another person (I’ll call him B) and his interactions with her grandchildren that were problematic and concerning for her. At some point in the conversation, I shared with her some faults I had perceived in B’s childrearing in the past.

Later in the day, my words came back to me. I felt uncomfortable about my words that judged B’s way of parenting his child. Why did I feel it would be helpful to share my negative perception of him (and his wife)?

I have to say that I don’t think I was trying to be helpful at all.

It feels, looking back, that I was attempting to gain attain additional closeness with the person I was speaking to by aligning against someone else. This is a pattern I experienced in high school that was toxic and mean-spirited.

The conversation and my part in it kept returning to me, and I eventually reached out to my close friend and shared my self perception, apologizing. This didn’t really accomplish much, but she understood.

And I recognized a behavior within myself that I want to change.

I realized, after further thought, that this was a direct reflection of something that had occurred in my past. A friend of mine didn’t approve of my parental choices when I was having challenges with my oldest daughter in her teenage years. She kept telling me that she would lay down the law and correct the situation. I was more lenient in my response, trying to allow some freedom to my growing daughter. My friend (who had no teenagers) did not let up and eventually got 2 other friends involved with her opinion. Eventually she arranged a meeting and she told me that they (collectively) could not support my parenting any longer. I walked away from that meeting after that first sentence and she actually ended our friendship then next day, which was deeply painful for me.

Shortly afterward, in sharing my experience with another, I was told firmly that my children are my children to raise. That the spirits who come as children to us have come to us in clarity of choice, knowing what they will contend with in us, and what kind of parents we would be likely to be, who we truly are. I liked her words, because they exonerated me from doing wrong with my daughter. I felt I stood on more solid ground with this concept.

But now here I am, on the other side of the fence – speaking judgmentally toward B. Not even having the courage or integrity to speak to him myself about it. Never having said a thing to either him or his wife as I witnessed, with some level of discomfort, parenting “errors” over the years. And I spoke to others about them back then – others who knew the family and who may have been influenced by my thoughts in a negative way.

All of this feels terrible. I would like to be a different person that the one I have been in the past …as recent as last week.

I know we all grow and change. I don’t feel it would be helpful or kind at this point to share the way I behaved in relation to B. All I can really do is recognize this behavior within myself and make a different choice in the future.

To be clear, B was not harming his child. He was simply making a different parental decision than I would.

I have more to say about changing patterns.

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Resentment

by 8hummingbirdway

I just came across a post on Resentment. (content below)

This word brings back a memory of resenting my oldest daughter. Ugh. Not a good memory.

She was my sister’s biological child. I loved her and do love her. She is one of the strongest, most loving and most present people in my life. I could say so much about her. My stance toward her is gratitude.

43 years ago, my sister vanished and her boyfriend delivered their child to my mother. She was 3 months old. My mom, who was physically challenged, cared for her for 10 months while I organized my life so I could become her guardian and eventually adopt her. I spent alternate weekends at my mom’s and they visited me the other weekends. During the week I studied computer programming so I could support a child.

My boyfriend and I had not gotten around to wanting to build a family. (Would we have?) We were 26 and 27. I had been working at my dream job – managing a food cooperative, which didn’t pay a lot. My boyfriend was a musician, which paid less.

I left the job and my dad paid for me to learn programming.

For my dad, it was not an option for his only grandchild to be raised by anyone other than a family member. For this I am eternally grateful, but I didn’t understand his insistence at the time. At a family meeting, he said he would raise her, if nobody else would. This didn’t seem ideal to me. He was fun when I was younger, but not a caretaker …and short on patience. I was the oldest (of 5), and everyone looked to me. I felt trapped. I went with the flow and agreed to save the day.

Fast forward 4 years from the time of this decision and the 3 of us had moved to renting a larger living space. I was working in a nearby city. We had married and had adopted our delightful daughter who had turned us into parents. My husband was advancing in his musical career and was away often – learning the ropes in NYC, and sometimes overseas. Although he was a good daddy, our daughter was my family’s child and I had made the decision to raise her – whether or not our relationship survived. I was glad it had, and I carried the responsibility for her well-being.

I was on duty – getting my daughter and myself up, fed, dressed, and to daycare and myself off to work, cooking, shopping, laundromat duty, playing, mothering. I liked it all – even the programming work, but I was tapped out, exhausted – and I remember returning home with resentment at this time. The corporate world was not the best for my spirit – in an office with a computer all day. There was no rejuvenation for me. I was like the Eveready Bunny – go go go.

And I felt resentful. I remember that feeling of arriving home after a long day and picking my daughter up from daycare. She had needs which included attention, eating, bathing, and settling down so sleep …and I was operating from exhaustion on a daily basis.

I remember feeling resentful …towards her. I wonder now how it impacted her, and what she carries as a result of that time when I felt resentfulness toward her.

I have moved way past it, had 2 more children, came to love parenting above all other work – I was eventually freed from working away from home; I was laid off, built a business, and eventually found a way to work at home AND homeschool my children. I am so grateful for that – and for my time as a mom, and later a grandmother too.

My oldest daughter is now a scientist and the mother of two strong and loving young men.

I realize as I consider all this, that my resentment was transferred to my first husband. That marriage lasted a long time – about 25 years. But it was tainted by my resentment. My ex-husband and I are now on good terms after many years of distance. We meet up at holidays and graduations, etc. and are glad to see each other. He is a good man. My favorite thing about him is that he loves our children as much as I do.

I will have to mention to him that I have released all resentment.

I hope he can release any harm it may have caused him.

I want to check in with my daughter as well. We spoke last night, and I decided not to bring it up. Abandonment/adoption takes a big toll on one’s inner well being, and she was feeling hurt by her dad and disappointed by one of her siblings.

I’m not sure whether sharing my past resentment would land well now – or ever.

I generally find it helpful to speak the truth, but sometimes her heart is so tender. I will have to feel it out as time unfolds.

I want her to know that she was, and is, a blessing to me. For now, I sense that’s all that needs to be said.

POST FROM Daily OM Inspiration (dailyom.com)

When anger has no outlet, it can morph into resentment and has the potential to cause us great turmoil.

Anger, when channeled into the pursuit of change, can be a useful tool in our emotional palette. Anger is experienced by most people — some more than others. It is when anger has no outlet and morphs into resentment that it carries with it the potential to cause us great turmoil. Allowing us to assign blame for the pain we are feeling often eases it, but it creates resentment, which tends to smolder relentlessly below the surface of our awareness, eroding our peace of mind. The target of our resentment grows ever more wicked in our minds, and we rue the day we first encountered them. But resentment is merely another hue on the emotional palette, and therefore, it is within the realm of our conscious control. We can choose to let go of our resentment and move on with our lives, no matter how painful the event that incited it.

Hanging onto resentment in our hearts does not serve us in any way. Successfully divesting ourselves of resentful feelings can be difficult, however, because doing so forces us to mentally and emotionally confront the original source of anger. When we cease assigning blame, we realize that our need to hold someone or something responsible for our feelings has harmed us. We thought we were coping with our hurt, when in fact, we were holding onto that hurt with a vice grip. To release resentment, we must shift our attention from those we resent back toward ourselves by thinking of our own needs. Performing a short ceremony can help you quell resentful feelings by giving tangible form to your emotions. You may want to write down your feelings and then burn the paper and close your ceremony by wishing them well. When you can find compassion in your heart, you know you are on your way to healing.

Free of resentment, we have much more energy and attention to devote to our personal development. We can fill the spaces it left behind with unconditional acceptance and joy. And, as a result of our subsequent freedom from resentment, blessings can once again enter our lives as the walls we built to contain our anger have been demolished.

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