[I wrote this post back in January. It was part of looking back at myself and at cultural issues that concern me.]
I am going to share my belief that our culture could and should advance to the point where the perpetrator of harm is helped to release shame.
Why? Because shame is a block to healing. Because the abused person often becomes the perpetrator. And because if we do not see to the wounds of the perpetrator, we perpetuate the harm.
Before one can change ingrained patters of unhealthy and harmful behavior, they must release the shame that comes along with those patterns – whether perpetrator or injured party – often one and the same.
What is shame? Here’s my definition: Shame is the belief of inherent depravety and wrongness of the self.
What does shame do to an individual? It keeps them down, separate, and stuck in imbalance. This imbalance is deeply harmful and limiting. It also is the trigger that initiates undesirable behavior that harms others and the greater community.
I know something about this. I used to carry shame. As a person who was sexually abused. As a child of parents who did not always treat me as a treasured being. As a liar. As the oldest daughter who did not always treat my siblings as treasured beings. And there you have it. The shamed one shames others. It spreads more surely than any virus.
Most of my life I carried shame. It is a heavy load. It stopped me from applying for jobs I was qualified for and would have excelled at. It stopped me from speaking up for myself, expressing my ideas, even talking to others. It stopped me from feeling at ease in my skin – from dancing or singing around others. It stopped me from being at ease with sexuality. I could go on.
I am fortunate that I was able to sustain two marriages and raise three children. I could have done better. I have my regrets. But in the family arena I navigated well for the most part.
I am not sure when the shame actually left me. It was in the past 3 years. (I’m 68.) It was a spiritual journey of coming to terms with my mother, with myself, and with Spirit/Source/ God. A year ago I started posting on Facebook about my shamanic practice. It was only this past summer that confidence was finally born within me, enabling me to offer journey circles to people I didn’t know, enabling me to call forth this website, giving me the opportunity to share the contents of my soul.
Shame is harmful and dark; it destroys people and relationships.
I do not support the current paradigm of prison. It’s inhumane – and it’s another thing to be ashamed about.
Healing should be the focus if one must be separated from the society at large due to their behavior. Not in a punishment that adds deep insult to injury and sets one up to fail on their release. Education and rehabilitation are given lip service, but no personal account that I have ever heard includes true opportunity – except for the occasional opportunity to interact with those who have a healing intention – either inmates or others.
I’m aware of the current pattern of releasing individuals who don’t obey the laws. I am not suggesting that there should be no repercussion for actions against others or against property.
I am also not saying that I align with every law.
I simply cannot see how we can heal humanity without ensuring that all humans have the right to the basic necessities of freedom, food, shelter, clothing – and work in a respectful environment.
I am aware that the color of one’s skin, the language one speaks, and the wealth in one’s bank account mitigate a great deal of “having to pay the price,” and this strengthens my feelings about the unfairness that exists in our legal system.
I do believe that we must, at least in our wealthy country of privilege, find a way to provide access to true wellbeing for all who are able and willing to participate in a functional way, and a safety net for those at risk, should they chose to employ it.
I believe we can and eventually will move forward to a open, loving and healing existence. I see the seeds sprouting all around me.
Once we find a solution to our current paradigm of shame, unfairness, imbalance and harm, I hope that we will spread the healing worldwide.
I am not saying that I know how to bring this to reality. I have confidence that if we were to make healing and personal wellbeing a true priority, those in powers could navigate much closer to this goal. I’m not saying our currently elected leaders will do this. I see no evidence of that possibility.
I will simply say that I believe all humans can be healed to a great extent, that they want to be healed, and that this should be a top priority and intention in families, in all our institutions – including schools, and in our legal systems.
Obviously there is a great deal of work to do.
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8 hummingbird way 