Tag: integrity

Judging another’s way

by 8hummingbirdway

Recently I spoke with someone close to me about another person (I’ll call him B) and his interactions with her grandchildren that were problematic and concerning for her. At some point in the conversation, I shared with her some faults I had perceived in B’s childrearing in the past.

Later in the day, my words came back to me. I felt uncomfortable about my words that judged B’s way of parenting his child. Why did I feel it would be helpful to share my negative perception of him (and his wife)?

I have to say that I don’t think I was trying to be helpful at all.

It feels, looking back, that I was attempting to gain attain additional closeness with the person I was speaking to by aligning against someone else. This is a pattern I experienced in high school that was toxic and mean-spirited.

The conversation and my part in it kept returning to me, and I eventually reached out to my close friend and shared my self perception, apologizing. This didn’t really accomplish much, but she understood.

And I recognized a behavior within myself that I want to change.

I realized, after further thought, that this was a direct reflection of something that had occurred in my past. A friend of mine didn’t approve of my parental choices when I was having challenges with my oldest daughter in her teenage years. She kept telling me that she would lay down the law and correct the situation. I was more lenient in my response, trying to allow some freedom to my growing daughter. My friend (who had no teenagers) did not let up and eventually got 2 other friends involved with her opinion. Eventually she arranged a meeting and she told me that they (collectively) could not support my parenting any longer. I walked away from that meeting after that first sentence and she actually ended our friendship then next day, which was deeply painful for me.

Shortly afterward, in sharing my experience with another, I was told firmly that my children are my children to raise. That the spirits who come as children to us have come to us in clarity of choice, knowing what they will contend with in us, and what kind of parents we would be likely to be, who we truly are. I liked her words, because they exonerated me from doing wrong with my daughter. I felt I stood on more solid ground with this concept.

But now here I am, on the other side of the fence – speaking judgmentally toward B. Not even having the courage or integrity to speak to him myself about it. Never having said a thing to either him or his wife as I witnessed, with some level of discomfort, parenting “errors” over the years. And I spoke to others about them back then – others who knew the family and who may have been influenced by my thoughts in a negative way.

All of this feels terrible. I would like to be a different person that the one I have been in the past …as recent as last week.

I know we all grow and change. I don’t feel it would be helpful or kind at this point to share the way I behaved in relation to B. All I can really do is recognize this behavior within myself and make a different choice in the future.

To be clear, B was not harming his child. He was simply making a different parental decision than I would.

I have more to say about changing patterns.

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The Way of a Warrior

by 8hummingbirdway

My understanding of walking the path of Warrior comes from many years of life and observation. I first became conscious of the role of Warrior during my shamanic training, and I began to notice people in my life who show me the Warrior aspect.

They are few. Some see the Warrior path, and this is a first step.

I don’t know that my definition of Warrior aligns with the definition of others.

A warrior is a person of integrity and self-knowledge and wisdom.

A warrior has no need of deception or pretense.

A warrior might experience fear.

Facing truth is critical.

Courage is sometimes required when a warrior sees truth.

S/he might chose action.

S/he might or might not choose confrontation or action. Sometimes silence and forbearance is the way forward.

A warrior adapts to changing conditions (including disappointment and hardship and betrayal) without sacrificing integrity.

A Warrior is often a person of few words.

A warrior honors his/her body and spirit.

A warrior honors all others, including human, animal, plant, earth and other elements (air, fire, water).

A warrior recognizes his/her alignment and connection with a higher power.

A warrior develops practices over time as a result of who s/he discovers herself to be.

A warrior is clear about his/her intentions.

Sometimes uncertainty exists, and a situation must show itself over time.

Sometimes the action to take is immediately known and obvious.

When the way forward shows itself, a warrior does not back down from it.

Some misunderstand the Warrior, thinking that his/her inner strength means s/he must forego tenderness. This is not accurate.

The Warrior strives to be true to him/herself in all moments.

It’s possible to fail at times on this path …and still to sustain the choice to walk the path of Warrior.

We are all human, and the path of the Warrior is a practice.

Some qualities and results of the Warrior’s path are clarity, focus, determination, courage, constancy, respect, and a a love of life itself.

Exploring the Warrior side of yourself is one way to expand your reality.

If this intrigues you, you may want to start to practice mindfulness.

You may want to consider what it means to you to meet life’s challenges with a spirit that does not waver.

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The Price

by 8hummingbirdway

I stated in a recent post that a terrible price was paid – for my memories of sexual abuse which resulted in significant personal healing for me. It has been difficult to write since then. This topic has been in my awareness as I wrote prior posts, especially as I wrote about family members and was gently chided by a friend who read some of my posts about my family history – he wondered whether I was writing in integrity – because of my disclosure of disclose some of what I wrote about family. This wondering in turn caused me to write a series of posts about dirty little secrets. And I have written more on that topic, which I have yet to post. So many threads of thoughts drift off. Now this one of family has returned, unexpected. I did not sit down to write this aspect about my sexual abuse in the recent post about not having a tribe, but it popped up anyway. It wants to be told.

This terrible price was paid by me and by my siblings, my children, my nephews, my father’s sister, and especially by my father.

I accused him of sexually abusing me in my early childhood.

The strange thing is that in neither of my memories, did I see the abuser’s face.

I simply “knew” it was my father.

Our home was not peaceful. Disharmony reigned between our parents as they navigated a growing family (5 children) and various personal and marital issues. Sometimes they lashed out at us, but mostly it was the two of them. Sometimes it was scary. Mom throwing things. Dad walking out the door. My response to this has shifted over the years.

I was not aware that I myself carried the hostility I was raised with until I lost two close friends in my 30s and 40s. The first tried to talk to me about it. The second told another when she abandoned our friendship that she “didn’t want to do battle with Annie.”

When my first child was young, I began to choose forbearance over disharmony, but it has been a long journey.

Although I had mitigated some of the pattern I grew up with, I could still be very vehement and angry at times. Even now, I have to check myself (especially when I feel something critical is at stake). I am grateful to say that I am now in control of my responses. It has truly taken a lifetime, as well as a great deal of patience and love and honesty from my closest family members.

It didn’t happen all at once. There were steps along the way.

Having my two younger children, close in age, enter their teenage years and witnessing their arguments brought me to a place where I started to actually distance myself from disharmony in any form. Somehow it brought me right back to the fear connected to my parents’ fights.

Only in recent years have I have learned to remove myself from arguments and keep my thoughts to myself at even the threat of disharmony. I’m sure there are moments when this is not ideal, but overall I would say it’s a positive development. (I do stand my ground when necessary.)

My second husband, strong, honest and devoted, has brought me much of this last distance. And I have to say that my son shared insights with me on our recent trip that shifted my awareness even more. I have always been hardest on the men I love most.

Now in my 60’s, I can no longer blame Mom.

I’m still noticing my responses (inner and outer), and evolving into the person I want to be. Most recently, a channeled message from Sri Pune let me know that understanding my son and my husband would change me – and make me a better shamanic practitioner.

I am making headway.

I have written a lot here, and there is a lot more to say about all that happened. I see that I will have to continue another day. Soon.

I have noticed that it’s best for me to intersperse more neutral topics with personal revelation in my posts. It took me 5 days after the last one to write this one. I wasn’t sure I could do it.

But here I am, and it’s important that I continue to shed light on that which I deeply regret.

There is THE TRUTH, not lying – and then there is the truth of full disclosure – especially since I have written some things about others. (And yes, I realize that there is a difference in who does the telling. I also realize that telling one’s own story is not the same as telling the stories you know about others. And I may have more light to shed on that.)

I know that many of you hold understanding and compassion in your hearts, and for this I am grateful.

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