Finally, I am writing these words.
She is 34 years old, has just recently married her beloved husband, and they are excited about moving to the DC area, to live with her brother and a very dear friend they both consider a brother. (I’ll be missing this young man as well. I was his guardian for a couple years when he was in high school and we have gotten closer in the past year.)
This move has been planned for more than a year, and now it’s happening in a few weeks.
My youngest child has lived within an hour of me for more than 15 years, since she left home.
I have taken her presence for granted.
Her brother left the area right after high school, barely showing up for parts of summers when he was in college a couple hours away. I feel fortunate that he is not farther away. He visits often – mostly because he is so close to his sister.
We are also close, but mothers are different, partly because I worry about him and perhaps I’ve been a little clingy toward him. Also because I married a man who is not his father.
He only needs to keep in touch by phone or text and the occasional journey north. I haven’t been to visit his home for a couple years, but that is about to change. They do plan to be up here for Thanksgiving, and I plan to head south in the Spring for a visit.
This is a big change for my heart. My daughter and I visit once or twice a month and often just for an hour or so – for tea or a meal. She is an important part of my landscape.
My older daughter, 43, has been calling me weekly for the past couple of years. We have a long talk – an hour or two – about everything under the sun …our gardens, her 2 sons, our challenges, our excitements, our feelings, our beliefs, our concerns, our heartbreaks. I also visit her and her partner and my grandsons – 3 hours away – 3 times/year.
She was a challenging teen, left home early, would not come to the Catskills when we moved there, then had her sons at a young age and moved to be near us. I had the blessings of her and her sons 20 minutes away for several years and then she was drawn back to her home town, where she still lives.
We have been at odds more than once, but I had an accident a few years ago that scared her and brought her closer to me.
My youngest child is a mother too, and she is one of the most loving people I have ever known. She is more private. She is also steadfast. She adopted her first husband’s son and is present for him in every way possible. He has in the past year or so recognized his good fortune; their closeness is lovely to see.
This daughter also rescues dogs and she is present for her close friends, her parents, and her brother and sister in a deep and profound way – especially her brother.
I don’t pretend to understand the closeness between my two youngest children. They were born 2 years apart and were almost inseparable in their childhood. I remember his big smile at her birth. (The beauty of homebirth. He saw her arrive! With a loved one as his support person just in case.)
She had her girlfriends and he had his close buddy and soccer, but I remember them roller skating down the street holding hands when they were 8 + 10. They inhabited a circle of love. Aside from a couple of years in adolescence, they have been the closest of allies.
[Not that they are always in harmony. They speak the most difficult truths to each other with profound ease. Each is extremely strong within themselves. It’s truly amazing to witness them. I had the pleasure of being present as she put him in his place last week on his visit north; he smiled and laughed – loving it.]
One of my favorite memories is her, at the age of 3, advising her 5 year old brother who was arguing with me …”Just let her talk, then do what you want.” She had my number back then – and after hearing that, I had hers. Luckily, she was my third and I was a seasoned mother – or we would have clashed a great deal.
[My youngest daughter applied lipstick well at this age of 3. I would NOT have allowed that with her sister. She was, and is, one of a kind. Olivia Newton John in Grease was her role model for some time in childhood. She was a girly girl, but she also played in mud puddles and climbed trees.]
Anyway – its really no surprise that she is moving to share this house with her brother. He has had a couple of tough years recently, especially the loss of his marriage. In this respect I suppose I am glad. I do worry about him.
I find myself crying often in the past week.
And now I am crying again. I don’t tell her this. She would feel guilty.
In my opinion crying is good – it’s a release.
My daughter is packed – I brought boxes last month …and her oven has been cleaned. (She is generally immaculate, unlike her mother.) Her house is rented to a friend of hers, and she has whipped the yard into shape over the past months. (It was already in good form – a few new plants have taken root, and some additional weeding this week.)
She is such a treasure in my life, in all our lives.
She is thinking about having children far away, and this I cannot fathom. Because children are my people. I loved being a mom of all 3 when they were young, I drove a school bus for 7 years, I loved being a grandma, and now I’m going to have to travel way more than I want to – if grandchildren show up.
She didn’t sell her house, so maybe they will return.
Her brother left his job this week – corporate downsizing, and he chose not to take another position offered.
I have this tiny hope that she won’t really go, but I know she will. That would be that last choice she would be likely to make – to abandon their plans in the face of his challenge
Maybe that they will ALL tire of the big city life and come back at some point in the not-too-distant future.
Hope springs eternal.
I have no idea what the future will hold.
My heart is full of love and gratitude for all my children.
I have no desire to hold them back.
I thank God for all 3 of them on a regular basis. I do not have a need to play favorites.
I am triply blessed.
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8 hummingbird way 